Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Love Letter to Kroger

Dear Kroger Asshats,

You suck, and I don’t mean a little.

Why is it that every time I go to your store there is no fresh seafood in the case and no employee to be found within 50 miles of the Seafood department? It’s not like I’m shopping at 6 am; we’re talking 10 am here, asshats. What, are the fishies sleeping in?

And, how in the name of all that is holy can you possibly be out of chicken breasts? Of every kind? No skinless, no skin on, no boneless, no bone in – what the fuck, Kroger? Did the Peta people bomb the chicken delivery truck or what? Because really, at this point, that is the only excuse I will accept.

I’d also like to point out that you had no avocados, no Yoplait Thick & Creamy yogurt – of any flavor, and no Silk Plain light soy milk. Since when are these specialty items?

But your worst offense, Kroger? Rude checkout people that wouldn’t recognize customer service if you stuffed it up their asses and pulled it out their noses. You see, after I put my groceries on the belt, I ran my debit card and waited for Smirky Sally to ring them up. I waited patiently with my Kroger card and coupons very visible in my hand. So when Sally gave me the total and I TRIED to give her my card and coupons, why did she look at me like I had a big ‘ol hairy mole covering half my face? And announce to the grocery store at large that it was “too late” to take my card and coupons? Too late? Was it too late for me to reach across the counter and smack the smirk off her face? ‘Cause she had clearly seen the card and coupon in my hand the whole time she was ringing me up and didn’t ask for them then. Oh no, she purposely hit “total” instead of leaving the order at “subtotal” and then trotted out the “too late” line – all the while smirking at me.

Smirky then told me I’d have to go to customer service to get my savings. I said why didn’t you just ask for my card and coupons in the beginning if you couldn’t use them at the end. More smirking. Then beyatch had the nerve to say it wasn’t her fault. I said yes it was, you need to ask the customer for the card and coupons because gee, I don’t know, that’s your job, idjit!

So Kroger, in summary, I would just like to say, and with as much feeling as possible – I hate you. I hate your nasty employees and I hate your inability to stock basic food items. You suck.


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