Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Me and My Big Mouth

**Warning** Salty language ahead...

Ow, ow, fuck ow!! Gah! The pain. Oh, the pain like I have never felt before, people. Mr. Fab read my mother-in-law post yesterday but insisted I should only get kudos for that one day. I'm here to say I deserve them for at least a month now.

I've had 10 shots all along the inside of my mouth under my lips and about 20 directly into my lips (am I grossing you out again Libragirl?) Again, ow, ow, fuck ow. Small point - I chose this in the name of beauty. Right now I don't feel beautiful, though, just like my lips could scare small children.

So here's what you need to know about Restylane - you better have a freakin' high tolerance to pain. I had no idea. If you recall, I had been wallowing in "Da Funk." So, I thought I'd get back on track by treating myself to a little pampering. Note to self: 30 fucking shots in the mouth won't do it, not even close.

See, I'd done a lot of research; read a gazillion articles about it. I thought I was prepared. I was not. Somehow I missed the articles that talked about how tears would be streaming out of my eyes while a sadist jabbed the inside of my mouth with a very sharp needle. Again and again.

Holy Mother of God how do Lisa Rinna and Melanie Griffith do it?? Because I had the smallest amount possible you could get and I put the pain level at an 8 out of 10. Now, I've never birthed no baby Miss Scarlett, so I guess I don't know REAL pain, but I've had various surgeries and injuries like tearing my anterior cruciate ligament in my knee. But, I gotta say, this kind of took the chocolate cake.

Was it worth it? I'll tell you in a couple of days when the swelling has gone down enough that I don't scare myself looking in the mirror. Oh, and, another small point to note, I didn't tell Husband I was doing this. He's going to get quite the scare when he walks through the door tonight.

And wouldn't you know, as soon as I pull into the driveway my neighbor comes over - with her 9 year-old-son - to chat. I was happy it was windy and I let my hair cover my mouth hoping she would leave quickly. No such luck. So I finally said something inane like "Excuse my ugly mouth, I just tried Restylane for the first time."

She was quite polite and said something equally inane back, "Oh, looks great!" It so does not. At this point, I just feel like a big (lipped), stupid idiot.

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