Thursday, November 30, 2006

Fuggedaboutit!

A suburban Chicago school class of twelve year olds was set to stage a play called "Fuggedaboutit - A Little Mobster Comedy" until an Italian-American mother got so offended she tried to get court order to prevent the play from being performed.

Apparently when the mom - let's call her Carmella - read a copy of the play her son brought home she was outraged by the negative portrayal of Italian-Americans and contacted the Sons of Italy who backed her civil-rights lawsuit claiming the play, written by a teacher (who was not Italian), promoted "hurtful stereotypes in its portrayal of mobsters who look like characters from 'The Sopranos.'" Hee hee.

As an Italian-American I have gotten used to the various stereotypes: gold chains, hairy backs, tight pants, greasy hair, fat grandmas who spend all day making homemade pasta and tomato sauce, mob connections, names that end in a vowel, etc.

I have to say, I can name various cousins and family members who fit all or some of the sterotypes, so do I have a right to be offended?? But, back to the play which was about the opening of an Italian restaurant, and two mobsters who appear to be up to no good. In the end, you find that the mobster are actually buying surplus food for orphans.

But Carmella wasn't happy even though they ended up being good guys; she was offended the mobsters talked about "whacking" people. She said,
"They are trying to pawn off on us that even though somebody may be a gangster and spend their life stealing and murdering and taking from society, he's going to reform by giving tuna for tots. The moral of this play is just as offensive as the play."

I don't know, I kind of like thinking even mobsters have a heart for kids. In the end a judge ruled that the play can go on.

So what do you think - did Carmella go too far in filing a lawsuit about this? Many nationalities have various stereotypes - does yours? If so, are you bothered by TV shows and movies playing to these stereotypes? I'm trying to think what other nationalities get portrayed besides Italian...I guess gays with "Will and Grace."

It really doesn't bother me and I can't see getting so upset that you'd file a lawsuit over it...thoughts?

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Redheads are Sluts

Blondes may have more fun but redheads have more S-E-X!

So says a German study which has me laughing already - who would study such a thing?? A man, of course. I want to know how the hell he got funding for such a ridiculous study. Geez, go cure cancer and leave your hair color fetishes behind, Dr. Asshat.

Supposedly Dr. Habermehl (let's just keep calling him Dr. Asshat, though) studied the sex lives of HUNDREDS of German women and matched their boudoir activity with their hair color. Gee, I wonder if he required them to videotape their bedroom "activity" for his viewing "research."

Anyway, he says, "Redheads have more partners and more sex more often than the average woman." Furthermore, "Women who color their hair red are sending signals to the opposite sex that they are looking for a partner." Hmm, I think that's total crap. Kinda saying red-haired women are promiscuous sluts, no? Why can't a woman color her hair red because she simply likes that color? And what about women born with red hair - they're already slotted for a life of bed-hopping apparently! May as well tell them this when they're 16 and let them have at, or, send them to a convent. Huh, I can't say I've ever seen a red-haired nun...

Another inane (I think) statement by Dr. Asshat: "Even women in a fixed relationship are letting their partners know that they're unhappy if they dye their hair red." How in the world can he extrapolate that from studying the amount of sex and with whom red-haired women are having it? I'd really like to give this guy a good kick in the crotch. I think he has been rejected by a red-haired woman in the past. AND, I bet his mother had red hair and was promiscuous and this is why he did the study. (Hey, Freud and I are pretty tight.) Now, if redheaded German women start mysteriously disappearing we'll all know who is behind it.

So, if I dye my hair green (the opposite of red) what does that mean? I don't like sex? I don't want any more sex?? Let's see, didn't the Wicked Witch in The Wizard of Oz have green hair? Oh no, she was just green. Well, she probably wasn't getting any because of THAT anyway. But good 'ol Glinda did have red hair! So maybe she was gettin' it on with the Wizard behind the curtain? Or, what about all those monkeys! Oooh, hot monkey sex!

Actually, the monkeys in the movie always scared me when I was little. OK, they still do. Shhh

Monday, November 27, 2006

Bright, Shiny Soup Kitchen

Gypsy, of Strange, Dark Gypsy Girl, got me thinking about catch phrases.

She participated in my "6 Weird Things About You" meme post and confided that she cannot resist "bright, shiny things." She says, "Even if it's crap, if it looks good I think I want it." Her guy, Lancelot, says the phrase, "Bright shiny things! Bright shiny things!" to her whenever she says she wants something - implying that she doesn't really want it, she's just suckered in by all the "sparkly new goodness."

That reminded me of my husband's catch phrase for me, "soup kitchen." Yes, he is a romantic dear. He employs this phrase whenever daily when he thinks I'm whining too much or complaining too dramatically about not winning the lottery. He says he's reminding me how good I have it. I say that phrase just reminds me of the Soup Nazi from Seinfield and where the hell's my Mulagatawny soup?!

Anyway, do you have any favorite catch phrases that you say to your loved ones or that they say to you?

Send a Card Overseas

Something very cool that Xerox is doing:

If you go to this web site, www.letssaythanks.com/Home1280.html, you can pick out a thank you card and Xerox will print it and it will be sent to a soldier that is currently serving in Iraq. You can't pick out who gets it, but it will go to some member of the armed services.

The site is really great - all the cards were designed by children. You pick the card and then you can write your own message or choose from among many supportive pre-written ones.

Please do this and pass it on - it only takes 2 minutes and it's FREE!

Wouldn't it be wonderful if the soldiers received a bunch of these? Whether you are for or against the war, it is our fellow Americans over there putting their lives on the line - they need to know we are behind them.

If it was (or is) your family member or friend over there, wouldn't you want them to know someone is thinking of them - especially during the holidays?

Friday, November 24, 2006

Weird? Who, me?

I've been tagged by Dayngrous Discourse to list 6 weird things about myself. Huh, only 6??

Here goes:


  1. I literally cannot find my way out of my driveway even with a map and a high-priced GPS. In my defense, moving every 2-3 years does tend to confuse a person. But, I have to admit that I could drive to the same liquor store every week and still need directions. (I don't like to buy in bulk; then they think you have a "problem.") My husband is under strict orders to always answer his cell phone if I call twice - that's our code for "I'm fucking lost again."
  2. I don't like any "fizzy" drinks. No beer, no pop, no champagne. Nada. Have never had more than a sip of any carbonated beverage. I hate the fizzling on my tongue they make. I have never been a cheap date as my bevie of choice is either Grey Goose (vodka) or top shelf tequila in a 'rita.
  3. I don't like any melons. Nor any 'lopes or 'dews. All other fruit I love. That's really weird, right?
  4. I give myself a manicure every week, without fail. I cannot stand ragged or uneven nails or chipped nail polish, even if it's just clear. I don't care what other peoples' nails look like, I'm just OCD about my own. Or, as my husband would put it, "You're a little a hypersensitive about your nails."
  5. I hold a grudge like nobody's business. I may eventually forgive you for what I perceive is a grave injustice, but I will never forget it. I still refuse to contribute to the United Way because they stopped supporting Planned Parenthood years ago and their high-horse uber morality really pissed me off.
  6. If the phone rings in the middle of the night I think someone is dead. I'm not sure if that's really weird, or just Italian since we are so death-obsessed.

So, there you have me; warts and all. If you want to play, let me know in comments; I won't tag any one.

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Radiators!

So, good thing about a big 'ol house built in the 1940s - a radiator in every room. Or, if you live in Pittsburgh, you say a "rad-e-ator." You put your PJs on top of the one in your bedroom so that at night they're nice and toasty for you. The best is the bathroom radiator: put your clothes on top of it while you're in the shower and they're the perfect temperature when you get out.

Not so good thing about a big 'ol house built in the 1940s - the cute built-in toilet paper holder in the bathroom wall was made for a regular roll of toliet paper. Not double or triple rolls like the have now. Try one of those rolls and the sucker gets stuck in the wall. Oops.

Fabulous factoid about a big 'ol house built in the 1940s - a super secret hidden staircase between the first and second floor. So good for scaring the crap out of your cousins while playing hide 'n seek as a kid.

Great holiday memory: having a meatball eating contest with your cousins. I ate 7! My brother ate 9 but then another cousin shoved 11 in his pastahole so he was the winner. Good times. Good times. Got one??

Baby Update: My brother and sil actually chose an "American" name for my nephew after all the hoopla about wanting an Italian or Spanish name. I'm actually kind of glad - now he won't get made fun of in school. My brother and I were called "Tobasco" for years growing up due to our last name. Not really a big deal, but when you're 8 it kinda is. So, the baby's name is...Lucas Anthony! They plan to call him Lucas, not Luke. Anthony is my dad's name. Thanks for all the name suggestions!

Monday, November 20, 2006

Stuff and Stuffing Type Stuff

Woo hoo! Just heard the plug has been pulled on O.J.'s book and, therefore, his television interviewing detailing how he killed his wife. Oh, I mean how he would have done it if he'd done it but he didn't actually do it but everything thinks he did but he's still not admitting it. Whatevah

Off to my aunt's in Pittsburgh for Turkey Day! Only, we're not having turkey. There will be ham for my abnormal husband who doesn't like turkey (too dry he says. I say that's because you've only had your mother's. Snap!), and various pasta dishes for us Italians as well as the usual trimmings. My husband has a case of wine already packed to help him get through the holiday. He quickly realized he couldn't take my eleventy fifteen assorted cousins as well as my parents without much liquid assistance. He's extremely outgoing yet can't seem to handle everyone talking all at once - and with their hands - and stuffing food in his face every hour. What, that's so wrong??

My brother and sister-in-law will not be coming as she just had her baby -at 29 weeks! - yesterday. They still need a name for the little nino, so please see the post below to help choose a name!

Finally, since some of you expressed great delight in liking canned cranberry goo (last week's Thursday Thirteen), I am including my recipe for homemade cranberry sauce. It's easy and much tastier!!

Katherine's Kicked Up Cranberry Sauce (sorry Emeril, don't sue me!)

1 cup sugar
1 cup water or orange juice
4 cups (12-oz package) fresh or frozen cranberries

Optional: Pecans or walnuts, orange peel, raisins, currants, blueberries, cinnamon, nutmeg, allspice.

I highly recommend using orange juice, 1-2 t. of grated fresh orange peel and 1 t. of cinnamon.

1. Wash and pick over cranberries. In a saucepan bring to a boil water and sugar, stirring to dissolve sugar. Add cranberries, return to a boil. Reduce heat, simmer for 10 minutes or until cranberries burst - they make a very cool popping sound.

2. At this point you can add any optional ingredients. I highly recommend using orange juice and 1-2 t. of grated fresh orange peel and 1 t. of cinnamon. You can add a cup of raisins or currants. You can add up to a pint of fresh or frozen blueberries for added sweetness. Spices such as cinnamon, nutmeg or allspice can be added too.

3. Remove from heat. Cool completely at room temperature and then chill in refrigerator. Cranberry sauce will thicken as it cools.

Cranberry sauce base makes 2 1/4 cups.

Sunday, November 19, 2006

Taking Names


OK people, this is VERY important. I need suggestions for Spanish and/or Italian baby boy names! Don't even think it; they're not for moi.

My brother's wife, let's call her Estella, but no, that's not her real name, just delivered their baby boy at 29 weeks. He's only 2 lbs. 11 ozs. but he's doing great. He's going to be in the hospital for the next 6 weeks, though. They didn't find out ahead of time whether or not they were having a boy or a girl. They had a girl's name picked out, of course, but not a boy's, and that's what they birthed.

Estella is from Bogotá, Colombia. Land of coffee and roses, she would say. Land of cocaine, cocaine, and kidnappings, I would say, but that's neither here nor there at the momento. My brother is Italian and has a very Italian-sounding last name. They would like the baby to have a more ethnic name than say, Ethan or Andrew.

I tried to suggest "Nate" and my brother laughed hysterically, saying "Uh, thanks, but Estella has to be able to pronounce the name of her own child." Hmm, good point, good point.

So, they're leaning more towards names such as "Rocco" or "Lucio." They're letting my parents, aunt, and I help them pick the name. I am determined to be the one that suggests the name they pick! I will be able to milk this and hold it over my parents for years to come. I will be the best aunt evah.

Seriously, I am thrilled to be an aunt and I am calling on you for help! I have been to plenty of baby name websites, but I'm just looking for your own personal favorite(s) - whatever comes to mind...I'll be sure to let you know what they end up choosing. Should they actually choose a name a blogger suggests, I'll be sure to publicly bow down to you and put your blog on my 'roll for life. Oh, and I'll mention you every time I talk about my nephew!

Saturday, November 18, 2006

Beyond Ranting

Yes, that's right, I've snapped. I am beyond disgusted at Sony Corp., makers of a limited quantity of PlayStation 3, evil spawners of actions beyond belief across America in the past few days.

  • In VA, a crowd waiting outside a Target store grew so unruly by 10 p.m. (they had another 10 hours to wait until the store opened at 8 a.m.) that the police were called. The police were unable to get the crowd to calm down and ended up firing rounds of talcum powder on the ground near the crowd. Police then made Target give out voucher tickets for the eight systems they had (there were over 350 people lined up). Gee, what a novel idea. Why didn't Target think of that? Oh, I know, I know! Because then people would have left and those not getting vouchers wouldn't have bought other things, thus driving Target's profit margin through the roof. Greed, thy name is Target.
  • In Palmdale, CA, police SHUT DOWN a Super Wal-Mart because shoppers got too rowdy. One man was injured when he ran into a pole running for a spot in line to try and get one of the ten PlayStations available.
  • In Putnam, CT, two men tried to rob people waiting in line for the game system to go on sale. They shot and wounded one man who refused to give up his money.
  • About 30 miles away in CT, another shopper was beaten and robbed of his new PlayStation 3 just minutes after buying it.
  • In Lexington, KY, someone fired BB pellets from a car into a crowd waiting outside a Best Buy store, grazing four people, including a reporter who was interviewing people.
And that's just a sampling of the many bruhahas going on across the U.S. of A this weekend. I guess I'm done trying to understand how people can work themselves up into such a state that they would, at the least, wait outside all night in line, and at the most, be willing to kill someone to get a damn game.

Who is buying this game?? What parents other than the Trumps can afford to drop $600 on a Christmas present for their kid(s)? What the hell is wrong with Sony Corp.? They absolutely knew this would happen when they decided to release a limited about of PlayStations. I, for one, will never and I promise you, EVER, buy anything made by Sony Corp.

Where is the soul of these "men" in their early 20s that are buying this game as an entrepreneurial venture. The games are already popping up all over eBay, listed at THOUSANDS of dollars; the news reported one listing at $3500. eBay: Have the cojones to refuse to allow listings above the retail price. Yes, that flies in the face of American consumerism, but someone has to take a stand for integrity before it is completely eroded.

Where has humanity toward the fellow man gone? Or, did we never really have it at all?

Friday, November 17, 2006

Deer: 1, Human: 0

Sometimes I come across news tidbits that just really warm my little Grinchy heart.

A woman in WI has reported that the fake deer in her front yard was "attacked" by a real deer. Apparently, a real buck felt threatened by its fake counterpart and took him out. The woman called the sheriff's office who sent deputies out to take a look. Wow, slow crime day in Oostburg, WI!

The deputies said that the buck body checked Fakey with enough force to decapitate its ceramic head which was lying on the ground, trampled. Snicker, snicker.

I say, hey lady, that's what you get for putting a stupid fake deer in your front yard - classy! Really, can any explain the attraction of fake deer, and fake geese for that matter, parading across one's lawn? Oh, I've even seen a fake horse - I kid you not. I seriously don't get it. No one thinks they're real - they don't even look remotely real. Is it a redneck thing? A white trash thing? A "I'm too stupid to know how stupid I am" thing?

I have to say, there was one lady in my old neighborhood who had a big fake goose that she dressed up in crazy outfits. It really made me laugh to see the new one each month. I have to believe this lady had a good sense of humor; her goose would wear various football teams' outfits in the fall, an Easter Bunny suit in the Spring, a Leprechaun outfit in March, etc.

Maybe if WI cheesehead lady would have dressed her deer in a nice Halloween outfit - maybe a turkey? - he wouldn't have gotten his head knocked off.

Thursday, November 16, 2006

Thirteen Sucky Holiday Foods


Thirteen Sucky Holiday Foods

There's always the bad with good.

  1. Candy Canes. Despite retailers oh so cleverly coming up with shapes from reindeer to rhinoceroses, I still don't like them. If I'm going to have peppermint, it's going to be peppermint schnapps in cocoa.

  2. Fruit Cake. Pulease! You knew it had to be on the list, right?

  3. Canned Cranberry Sauce. Gack. Why would you eat cranberry gelatin when you already have Aunt Mathilda's lovely jello mold studded with the fruit that was in the sale bin last week? One gelatinous mess per table ought to be a rule and really, do you want to eat anything that comes out of a mold??

  4. Prunes. OK, could just be my family but prunes always seem to make an appearance at the holidays. Oh, and putting powdered sugar over the tops of them still doesn't make me want to eat them, Aunt Gertie. I eat enough high fiber cereal that prunes are NOT necessary.

  5. Green Bean Casserole. Oh yeah, I said it! I know some of you are saying, "But I love that!" right now. Grow up.

  6. Peeps Snowmen. Never met a peep I didn't want to smush so hard between my fingertips that its head popped off.

  7. A Tie: Green Spearmint Jellies & Brach's Starlite Spearmint Mints. Ick, ack, gack.

  8. Eggnog. I can't believe I'm saying this, but there can't possibly be enough alcohol in there to make me drink thick, egg-flavored goop.

  9. Plum Pudding. You know what's in there, right? Ever heard of suet? "The hard fatty tissue about the loins and kidneys of beef, sheep, etc., used in cooking or processed to yield tallow."

  10. Brussel Sprouts. Not real food, people, not even with butter!

  11. Anything "Lite" or Fat-Free. If you can't indulge at the holidays, well then you might as well just kill yourself since you'll never find any joy life ever again.

  12. Fake Mashed Potatoes. You know, the kind made with the dehydrated potato "flakes." Yeah, talk to my mother-in-law. Only made the mistake of eating them once.

  13. Applesauce From a Jar. Ok, it's the one time of the year where you can pick up enough apples off the ground from your neighbor's tree to fill a car, why would you eat it from a jar?
I'm sure everyone has a not so favorite dish that shows up every year - share yours!



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The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!



Wednesday, November 15, 2006

If I Did It, Here's How It Happened

If this isn't the worst case of exploitation than I don't know what is.

O.J. Simpson has written a book called "If I Did It" explaining in detail how he would have killed Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman if in fact, you know, he had actually done it.

WTF! This man is incredible. He knows he cannot be tried again due to double jeopardy and he has already been sued in civil court by Nicole and Ron's families, so he figures he's untouchable. His hubris and greed knows no bounds. And gosh, what a fine, upstanding father and role model he is to his two children. What are they supposed to think about him writing this book? Doesn't it just confirm what everyone already knew - yes, he murdered them. I'm shocked no one has murdered him!

And it gets better! He's doing a special interview on Fox TV Nov. 27 and 29 called - wait for it - "If I Did It, Here's How It Happened." Swear to dog people, I am not making this shit up. Yes, he will speak in detail about how he would have killed them if in fact he did kill them. What? Who does that? Seriously, has any murderer in history gone on record about how he would have killed someone while of course not admitting or taking any responsibility for actually killing anyone.

His arrogance is incomprehensible. I'm sure he's laughing to himself, all the while thinking, "they can't touch me so I'll tell 'em how I did it 'cause I'm one smart mofo!"

Note to the village looking for an idiot - you found him. Oh, my brain hurts.

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Beta Schmeta

Blogger is cracking me up with their New! and Improved! version. I haven't switched yet and I sure as hell don't plan to as long as I see the word "beta." Plus, what do I need categories for? All my posts fall into the same great category - Rants R Us.

The current, non-test version doesn't even work half the time as it is. I want to know what's in it for me if I switch?? If they want to give me money for being a guinea pig, I might consider it.

So, has anyone out there switched? If so, share your experience! Lose any posts or links? How complicated was it?

I also have to say "thanks buckaroos" for all your wonderful comments yesterday about the Pampered Chef party lady who gave her pet the boot for fear he would damage her precious floors. I love your delicious evilness, people! I just have to share some of the more entertaining comments with ya:

  • I would have totally bitch slapped her snooty ass all the way back to cheese land. Where she would promptly get trampled by a herd of cows. Luck 'o the Irish

  • To hell with turning off the lights! I suggest you throw a wild party with loud music the night of her PC party. Tony

  • Keep your lights on and do your own thing. Don't let that nasty dog deserter guilt you into spending your hard earned cash on her icky kitchen tools!! LadyBug

  • You should hit her. Or poop in her mailbox. Gypsy

  • You should get one of those sets of night vision goggles, that way you won't need the lights on in your house... Mr. Fabulous

  • I would at least stop by every evening and let my dog leave her a present on the front lawn. Artgirl

  • You should go and reap her [as in take her soul a la The Grim Reaper]. That would show her. Or, you can go and buy me stuff. I like stuff. Or decline and let her see that you would rather stay home and play with lint from the dryer then hang out with her. Libragirl

  • Wait, go to her party wearing golf cleats and then do an interpretive dance on her hardwood floors to show your appreciation at being invited to yet another Pampered Chef party. Pooping at the end is optional of course. Robin.

The Ogre in the Mailbox

These days, I'm a skippin' skip skip to my Lou my darlin' all the way to the mailbox. Wait, don't those lyrics say something like "Lost my partner, I'll get another one prettier than you"? Hmm, isn't that supposed to be a nursery rhyme? No wonder little girls grow up with self-esteem issues.

Anyway, I'm saying I like to go to the mailbox these days because of the plethora of Christmas catalogs. Such entertainment! "Hard to Find Tools" nestles in my box with "Crap You Would Never Buy Except at Christmas"! Because you know, now IS the time to buy Aunt Betty those plug in socks to keep her tootsies warm.

Yesterday I was very distressed to find something not so nice in my mailbox. No, no the neighbor kid didn't put dog poo in there again. At least I hope it was dog poo...But there was an invite to a Pampered Chef party. Wha? I just went to one in my neighborhood 3 weeks ago!!

We live in a new neighborhood where there are only about 25 homes built so far. Everyone except for two neighbors are from out-of-state. Meaning, the same people that were invited to the first PC party are now being invited to the second mere weeks later. Gah, the idiocy!

I went to the first party more for the opportunity to meet new neighbors than to spend too much money on crapola I could buy cheaper at Target or Marshall's. Or Walmart, or JcPenney, or fucking anywhere else.

My point (yeah, yeah I'm getting there, relax!) is that it's very rude and in bad taste to have another party so soon - what is that asshat thinking? I guess I'm not surprised, she is from WI afterall. Kidding! But, I knew she and I would never be friends the first time I met her and she told me they left their lab in WI because she didn't want him to ruin her new hardwood floors. She's lucky I didn't bitch slap her. Now, I've just been waiting until I see her leave and then letting Sampson in her house to run around and scratch up her precious floors.

I'll just decline the invite but then I have to go out or keep all my lights off since she lives right behind me. Curses, beyatch has no manners.

Monday, November 13, 2006

hz d wrld gone nsan wen I wasnt l%kin?

Is it just me, or do you sometimes read something and wonder if you've somehow been transported to another planet when you weren't paying attention? Like, one minute you're going about your normal life, scooping cat litter and watching Desperate Housewives, and the next you're looking around wondering why you're the only one the zombies didn't eat?

As if the guy sticking a firecracker up his butt wasn't bizarre enough (but understandable since alcohol was a factor), we now have New Zealand high school students using "text-speak" in written assignments, including tests, with the blessing of the New Zealand Qualifications Authority.

You know, text-speak like "lmao" for "laughing my ass off" and "NwZQA iz nsan" for New Zealand Qualifications Authority is insane" and "letz go 2 skul ther!" for "Let's go to school there!" which is what all kids are now furiously texting to each other.

Are you kidding me?? What is wrong with them? Sure, let's encourage these kids not to use proper English so they can grow up not knowing how to spell or write with proper grammar and punctuation. They'll go so far. We'll be 80 and the world be run by technologically savvy but English-challenged idiots sitting in offices texting, "pls hav yor report 2 me by wed. @ noon. caL me w NE :-Qz. c U thN. thx. P.S. hA, how bout :-) hr 2nt?"

P.S. If you need help translating what your kids are saying, U got 2 chek DIS Lnk out: www.transl8it.com.

Saturday, November 11, 2006

Fire in the Hole!

"A 22-year-old man suffered internal injuries after lighting a small firecracker he had inserted into his buttocks," paramedics in London reported.

I saw this little news tidbit and couldn't resist. Apparently this Smarty McHotPants was celebrating Bonfire Night in Britain which represents the Guy Fawkes gunpowder plot to blow up Parliament in the 17th century.

McHotPants suffered burns and other "unspecified" internal injuries in the incident.

And the worst (as if that isn't enough), the man is a soldier who recently returned from Iraq. I don't know, you'd think he might be a little smarter, a little less willing to stick foreign objects up his butt for the purpose of lighting them afire.

And where were his friends?! In my book, friends don't let friends put fiery items in their poop shoots.

Friday, November 10, 2006

Dimes to Your Door With a Smile

Holy Wacky Tabbacy, Batman!

Well now I've heard everything. I knew NYC was a cool, hip town where you could get anything delivered to your door at 2 am from food to dry cleaning. But pot? And from the "Cartoon Network"? Nope, didn't see that one coming.

Apparently the DEA did - this is an actual photo of packaged pot for home delivery from a busted pot ring in Manhattan called the "Cartoon Network".

Shocking! I'm just shocked and appalled. OK, I'm not, I'm actually strangely fascinated by the cojones of whoever started it up. Now that doesn't mean I condone it; I seriously doubt Richmond has such a ring now that we've fallen all the way down to like 15 on the Top Cities for Crime list, so reassuring. But I'd sure rather have a home delivery pot service in town then a meth lab.

I gotta say, I kind of admire the ingenuity of the idea. Apparently, these at home drug rings are geared toward customer service which entails a very polite order taker (whom you contact via pager number) and an equally polite, well-groomed delivery dude who could very well be an out of work actor that shows up on your doorstep. This, of course, saves the white collar professional from having to go to the "bad" part of town and invite danger by standing on a street corner waiting for the pot dealer. 'Cause gosh, you know, that's really scary and you could get involved in some kind of messy drug turf war and get shot in a drive by. Much easier to just have your drugs delivered, and with a smile!

Pot-selling has been corporatized! And apparently it's becoming all the rage. All the kids are doing it, Mom. Because the penalities for dealing pot are much less than other drugs, these pot rings are willing to take more of a risk by getting into the at home delivery biz. This busted Cartoon Network ring was taking 600 orders a day! Their client list included everyone from doctors and lawyers to celebrities.

The DEA reports it used sophisticated surveillance included wire taps to catch this ring and ended up arresting 12 people. Um, OK. But what about more dangerous drugs like coke and heroin? Why isn't the DEA going after those guys first before spending all the time and money on catching pot dealers? I don't really get it.

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Thursday Thirteen - Cereals Gone By


Thirteen Cereals I Loved As a Child

Yes, this list is stupid and ridiculous but it brings back such happy memories for me. *sigh* Not sure if some of these still exist.

  1. Cookie Crisp. Oh, so like real cookies! Chocolate chips, too!

  2. Donuts. These were SO good. Looked and tasted like little powdered sugar donuts!

  3. Cocoa Pebbles. Yabba Dabba Doo, people! Bonus: chocolate milk to drink after you ate the cereal. FYI: Cocoa Krispies didn't have as much chocolate.

  4. Life. Who didn't like Mikey? Who didn't want to eat a bowl of Life just to show their older brother they were better than him?

  5. Sugar Smacks. Oh yeah, pure sugar goodness with a touch of honey. And wasn't there some ridiculous frog?

  6. Lucky Charms. Before they added all the other colors like chartreuse, puce, and magenta. And didn't they add warlocks and trolls, too?

  7. Honeycombs. Honeycomb's big, yeah, yeah, yeah; it's not small, no, no, no. What? Are those the stupidest lyrics ever? Yet, what kid didn't go around singing them, come on, admit it!

  8. AlphaBits. Who didn't make their name from the letters?

  9. Boo Berry, Count Chocula, and ?? Wasn't there a third in the monster trio? OH, Franken Berry. Kind of redundant, huh.

  10. Crunchberries. Who didn't eat most of the crunch part and save the now outlawed red dye #4 berries for last because they were the best part?? (OK, made up the red dye part but it could be true!)

  11. Cocoa Puffs. Coo coo for Cocoa Puffs! Coo coo!

  12. Frosted Flakes. 'Cause they're Greaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat!

  13. Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs. OK, not really but I wish this was a real cereal. Sound familiar?? It's from my favorite comic strip Of All Time: Calvin & Hobbes. I even named one of my cats Hobbes. Sadly, he hasn't lived up to his name - he hasn't talked to me once or ran into trees on the back of my sled in ages.
Got any favorites I missed??



Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!


The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!



Faith Hill: Acting or Not?

Thank you, Paper Police, for totally ignoring the fact I have not paid you in like 6 months. Yes, my paper was delivered - an hour late, but it is here!

Biggest news (in VA anyway) is that the senate race is so close (2,000+ vote difference) that the republican loser Allen has demanded a recount and isn't conceding that democrat Webb has won. OH, it's gonna get ugly people.


So, what does everyone think about the whole Faith Hill thing? Joke or not?? I've seen the replay of her screaming, "What!" several times after hearing that Carrie Underwood won Best Female Vocalist and I'm not sure. I don't really follow the country music scene so I don't know a lot about her but I've seen her a couple of times on talk shows. She always seems very sincere and down to earth so my first instinct was, "Oh, she was totally joking."

Also interesting that the whole thing comes right on the heels of Kayne West making a total ass of himself! What a loser. Ha, literally. Just another example of someone who thinks too highly of himself. He blamed the "incident" where he rushed the stage and interrupted the group who actually won the award on "too many drinks" beforehand. Oh, well, that makes it all better.

The Paper Police Cut Me Off

I have a routine in the morning. Always and everyday, I do not vary. It's very simple but it definitely involves the newspaper. Must read the newspaper every morning and work on the crossword puzzzle while eating my Shredded Wheat-Kashi Go Lean (my ass!) cereal mix with berries and Silk Light Plain Soymilk. And, coffee. Mucho caffeino necessito.

This works very well until one part of the routine breaks down. In this case, no paper. No goddamn paper this morning. It's 7 o' fucking clock, so where can it be?? It's usually here by 6 and Husband nicely gets its and brings it for me; lays it on my spot on the kitchen counter bar thingy where I eat my cereal.

I go through my whole routine this morning: Give Sampson his greenie, give kitties some lowfat treats, pour my cereal, cut my berries, sit down at the bar, and GAH!! No paper. Hike outside in my big slippers; no paper. Call husband; yep, no paper this morning.

Hmm, don't recall seeing a bill for the paper in ???? oh, forever. Damn! The Paper Police obviously just realized they've been forgetting to send us a bill and have cut off my precious paper.

Curses upon me and my anal morning routine; I don't know how to function now! So, tell me what's going on today since I'm paperless. Oh, other than Brit and K-Fed split - sick of them already.



Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Oops, She Did It Again

OK, I guess the first time was an annulment, but still...

I think it's hysterical - she waits until she's looking hot, loses all her two-baby weight, and THEN she drops the hammer and tells loser/moocher K-Fed to beat it. I love it!

Oh, I still think she showed extremely poor judgment and petulant childlike behavior to marry him in the first place. Clearly, she just wanted to be married and have kids. And that's who I feel sorry for - those poor kids. Oh sure, they'll have every material thing on Earth, but will they be a happy family?

I predict that within a year she'll have a new album out, a new boyfriend, adopt a child from an African country, and french kiss Madonna again. Anyone wanna bet me?

P.S. I bet Entertainment Tonight et al is going to have a flippin' field day with this one! I'm thrilled - maybe we can now leave the endless stories of Anna Nicole crying alternated with Anna Nicole giving birth. Puhlease!

The Great Peanut Perfidy, Charlie Brown

I've been living in VA for 5 months now and one of my best discoveries has been the peanuts. Yeah, the trees are beautiful, the people are nice, the weather rocks, blah blah blah, back to the peanuts.

So there are peanuts specifically called "Virginia" peanuts and they are special, oh so special. They're huge and crunchy. This crunchiness is not your normal Planters peanuts crunchy, oh no, this crunch is not to be believed. These peanuts come in cans and many say you should keep them in your refrigerator to maintain the crunch.

So as I'm shoveling handfuls in, I get to wondering, "How do they make these nuts so crunchy good?"

Oh dear. Yes, I've been duped Big Time. Here I'm thinking peanuts are healthy and good for me but what makes food crunchy? Frying it in oil!! Gah! I've probably clogged my arteries so much in the past 5 months I need an angioplasty to open 'em back up. I'm so distressed!

This is exactly what happened years ago when I was scarfing on banana chips, thinking they were healthy (hey, this was like 15 years ago when red wine was still bad and trans fats were good so don't judge). Well, they weren't and apparently these peanuts aren't great for ya either.

As soon as I realized there was probably something really unhealthy going on with these peanuts to make them so crunchy, I made my husband read the can so I could continue eating my last handfuls blissfully unaware of their badness.

So, sure enough, they are "cooked" in oil. Gah! The lies, the duping, the misleading, can I ever trust food again? Also, I'm not buying the "cooked, " you bloody weenies, just come out and say they're fried.

*sigh* Back to Planter's Dry Roasted. A lot less crunchy but at least Mr. Peanut isn't duping me into believing they're healthier than they are. I love you and your monocle, Mr. Peanut. Not so much your silly tap shoes, though.

Monday, November 06, 2006

Blog Etiquette

I was reading Dooce's latest post and got to wondering - whose blog(s) does she read? Or, does she even read any?

Because you notice that she doesn't have a blogroll like most blogs. I really like the whole blogroll concept because if there's a blog I like, I'll go check out the blogs on that bloggers 'roll since chances are, I'll probably like them, too.

So, I'm really curious if there are any blogs Heather finds amusing, interesting, can't-go-a-week without reading...Yeah, I have too much time on my hands to wonder this. What with the Christmas-hating and religous zealot bashing, you'd think I wouldn't have the time, but oh my friends, I always have time for meaningless speculation.

And, what's the "blogroll etiquette"? If you're on my blogroll should I be on yours and vice versa? But, if you read my blog but never comment, how would I even know to go visit your blog, read your posts, and comment. Gah! I have to admit, it does make me go "hmm" when I continually leave comments on someone's blog and they NEVER EVER stop by mine. I think that's just rude!

I do try to visit every blogger who leaves a comment on my blog. Not hard since I get so few! I just think it's plain 'ol fashioned good manners. But I know there are some bloggers out there who get beaucoup comments - and I won't mention any names (I know, when did I become nice?) - but they never "return comment." I will mention Mr. Fab of Pointless Drivel who ALWAYS return comments even though he gets a gajibillion comments (he likes when I make up words so I used it special for him) so I think he deserves an award. Or something. How about an "atta boy, " Mr. Fab? You've more than earned it! I for one really appreciate that you visit my blog when I leave a comment on yours.

What do you all think? What's your idea of good blog etiquette?

Sunday, November 05, 2006

A Fine Tale Indeed

The World's Shortest Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, a girl asked a guy, "Will you marry me?" The guy
said "No," and the girl lived happily ever after and went shopping,
drank martinis, always had a clean house, never had to cook, stayed
skinny, and was never farted on.

The End.

Saturday, November 04, 2006

Another Religious Asshat Falls

Oh people, I can't take it!!

I was gonna be quiet for a while, you know, not rant at every little thing that bothered me. Of course, I probably would have had to stop blogging for a long time since that's all I talk about...But anyway, I just can't let this one go, so hang on!

I am SO sick of these self-proclaimed "Uber Religious" people who are then found to be scum of the Earth. In fact, they are worse than the whores out there because at least the hookers aren't hiding it and lying to their families (OK, maybe some are), and congregations full of faithful worshippers (ya gotta give me this one, though).

Yes, by now you probably know I'm referring to the latest religious asshat, "Pastor" Ted Haggard, King of All Lowlife Regligous Asshats.

NOW - after being caught in his lies - he admits to buying meth and having a "massage" by a gay prostitute. But, but, but he didn't - he swears - actually use the meth or actually have sex with a guy. Uh huh, yeah, keep going with that line of defense. It worked SO well for Mr. "I Did Not Inhale" and "I Did Not Have Sex With That Women" Clinton. And, oh by the way, he FAILED the polygraph test he took Friday with regard to whether he had sexual contact with the gay prostitute. The holier-than-thou reverend's response: "I am confused why I failed that, other than the fact that I am totally exhausted."

Really? 'Cause I am not confused. I am totally disgusted with your lies and overall asshattery. What about your wife and FIVE children? You broke your vows, fucked up big time as a father, and let down millions of people (he was the president of the National Association of Evangelicals) that actually respected you and looked toward you for leadership.

And you had the NERVE to preach again and again with all your fervored religious zeal that gay marriage is wrong, wrong, wrong all the while you're doing the humpty bumpty with a male prostitute while snorting meth. What a fine, upstanding man you are.

The damage he's done is just incomprehensible. How many people have lost faith because the man they looked to for leadership and guidance has let them down. And it's not just him. Why does this keep happening?? Let's see now, Jim Baker, Jimmy Swaggart, various Catholic priests, etc. It's amazing anyone still goes to church. I myself am done with it, just don't know who to trust anymore.

Friday, November 03, 2006

Another Episode of The Fruitcake Lady

My brother sent me this and I almost peed myself. I'd never heard of "The Fruitcake Lady" before. This is just too hysterical - click on the picture below.

UPDATE:
Thanks to ShellyGinger, we know that Marie Rudisill, aka The Fruitcake Lady, made her first "Tonight Show" appearance with Jay Leno in December 2000 and with it she began gathering a legion of fans. You can even email a question in for her.




Thursday, November 02, 2006

Thirteen Things I Couldn't Give a Crap About


Thirteen Things I Couldn't Give a Crap About

  1. Election 2006. I'm so over you. Can we just be done with all the ridiculous posturing? And could John Kerry, who isn't running for anything, please be a man and apologize in person, instead of on his website (gah!), for saying if you're stupid you end up as a U.S. soldier. Yeah, yeah, I know it was supposed to be a joke he flubbed, he still sucks.

  2. TV Networks. You piss me off again and again and I've always taken you back. It's over, I went to the library and stocked up. Screw you and your stupid new shows that suck or that you don't give a chance and cancel after 4 episodes just when ya hooked me. Bastards.

  3. Rude Customer Service People. I've had it. I've already started my letter writing campaign. Anytime I encounter rude service your company will get a lovely little missive from moi. Bite me.

  4. Christmas. We just passed Halloween and already the decorations are up and the carols are starting. I used to love ya, but you commercialized the bejeezus out of yourself and now you just annoy the crap outta me. I can't wait for you to be over.

  5. Christmas Present Buying Crowds. Not even attempting to fight with you this year. I concede, especially after that nasty tug-o-war incident with the sweater in 2001. I'm buying everything online this year. See ya, asshats!

  6. Britney Spears, Kevin Federline, and Whatever The Hell The New Baby's Name is. Please, please, for the love of a good mama, can we just have one night of entertainment TV "news" without either of you on it?

  7. Nicole Richie. Ditto. And, you're stupid. If you would just give the papparazzi one picture of you eating a flippin' Ding Dong this whole mess would just go away.

  8. My Mother-in-Law. Seriously, woman, you're pushing my Bitch button hard. How do you not know the one, most important, rule of Christmas? You never, evah, give more than one person the same goddamn list!! Now, two of us have bought you the same thing. Guess what, you're getting two sets of sheets and I will act all surprised when you open them both.

  9. Stupid People. Really, you just cannot keep expecting me to show empathy for you when you screw up again and again. Like you, Mr. Former Inmate who opted to take his daughter trick-or-treating in your old prison jumpsuit and then wondered why you got hauled off to jail because they thought you were an escapee. Do you not watch Prison Break for tips on how to make it on the outside??

  10. The FDA. You're the most screwed up organization out there. Wine is bad. Wine is good. Chocolate is fattening. Chocolate has antioxidants! You're stupid. You're still stupid and we don't trust ya, see #9.

  11. Celebrities Adopting Children From Poor Countries. What the hell is wrong with all the children in the U.S. that need homes? Because there are thousands. Why must you parade your entourage around poor countries creating havoc and media sensation? For every child you adopt from another country you must adopt two from the U.S.

  12. Crack Drivers. You know who you are - you who dare to type on your stupid Crackberries while driving. Stop driving while doing crack!! You cause accidents and God help you the day one of your crack-toting asses hits me.

  13. That's all I've got. Tell me your #13 in comments!



Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!


The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!



Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Liar or Not?


OK, 73-year-old Joan Collins was on The View today and AGAIN stated she has NEVER had plastic surgery or Botox, which she called "poison."

Please, you've got to be kidding! She insists she has "good genes" and believes in "lashings and lashings" of makeup. Well, I'll grant her the makeup part as she appeared to have a gallon and a half of flesh-colored spackle on her face.

Poor BaBa WaWa, who has definitely had plastic surgery but doesn't talk about it either, shhh, asked her to give some beauty tips. I'm sure every woman watching held her breath and leaned forward in her seatso as not to miss a word...Joan's big tip? Lipstick. Preferably red. Whoa, let me get my pen so I can write that on next week's grocery list.

Finally, let me leave you with a few quotes from Joan (from a website) that particularly blew my hair back:

"I have taken care of what I have - I’ve never taken drugs, I drink in moderation and I don’t really smoke." (Love that, doesn't "really" smoke.)

Joan claims she will never go under the surgeon’s knife because people who do look like "chipmunks".

Oh, P.S., Wendy is holding her monthly casting call now. Go check it out.