Wednesday, December 27, 2006

Read 'em and Weep

I just switched to the now non-beta blogger so if my blog blows up someone please let me know. Not that I'll be able to notify anyone at blogger which I'm sure is just a pseudonym for Asshats Incorporated, our motto is "We don't know shit, we don't care, and good luck trying to contact anyone who supposedly runs this half-assed bloghole."

Last post before Husband and I trek 9 hours to upstate NY for the New Year's Eve in a Box Extravaganza 2006."

I wish I had some witty sarcastic bon mots to leave 2006 with; but alas, I'm still pooped from "Loin Fest 2006." So instead, I'd be thrilled if you would check out some very cool posts from those much hipper than I. Please let them know you stopped by!

Buffy of Plain Simple English: "Her Name was Maroula I Think"

Kim of I wasn't always like this: "Let's All Go Brazilian"

Mr. Fabulous of Pointless Drivel: "Today...You Die"

Irish of Sharks With Frickin' Laser Beams Attached to Their Heads: "Sweet Dreams"

Bluepaintred: "Friendship is Like Peeing Your Pants"

Mir of Woulda Coulda Shoulda: "Lasagna amnesia"

Rayne of Crunchy Bits: "Beads and Shoe Spiders"

Carmen of Gone to Plaid: "Pooh Bear Speaks Out"

Libragirl: "Road Rage 3"

Ps of Just a mother of two: "Dads are always special"

Gypsy of Strange, Dark Gypsy Girl: "Sometimes the grass isn't greener at all"

Tuesday, December 26, 2006

Look Ma, No Hands!

Glad all the Christmas hoopla is ovah!

I held "Loin Fest 2006" at my house Christmas Day for the inlaws and my husband's sister and brother-in-law. I mistakenly asked the meat dept. guy to cut a certain piece of beef for me without knowing the price; $64 later I'm serving one hell of a Christmas dinner.

Oh, it was fabulous - beef tenderloin stuffed with spinach, goat cheese, bacon and roasted red peppers with port wine sauce; wild rice pilaf with toasted almonds; fresh green beans with a lemon butter sauce, salad with homemade dressing, and Coconut Cake. Just would have preferred to serve a less expensive meal to people who regularly eat Spam.

For Christmas they gave me a trash can whose lid automatically raises when you waive your hand in front of it. Every time I walk by it, the lid flings open scaring the crap outta the cats. Kind of amusing, really.

**Special thanks to "Irish" who coined the term "Loin Fest." And although she suggested I serve it in a box, a la the now infamous Justin Timberlake "Dick in a Box" SNL skit, I did not.

Poop Week

As I know you're all aware - I'm too nice. Grinch-sized heart aside, I'm quite a good gal. So when my neighbor that I've known all of 4 months asked me to watch her 2 dogs, Cujo and Poopsalot, I said, "Sure, no problemo."

What else could I have said?? She had just asked me if I was going to be in town for Christmas. I thought she was making neighborly small talk - ha, she really screwed me. When I said we would be staying home, she stuck the knife in. How could I have said no then? And, for a WHOLE WEEK.

So Cujo is a beautiful Golden Retriever who is apparently the only attack Golden Retriever known to man. HATES other dogs and is not so fond of humans in general. She's actually bit a child, although not one of theirs, so I guess that's why they keep her. They close her up in a room or the garage if their kids have friends over, though. If you have to do that, it's probably a clue she shouldn't be around kids. They have an electric fence which she's run through twice in the past couple of months in order to attack dogs walking by.

Then we have Ms. Poopsalot, the Shih Tzu. I like most dogs, really I do. Her? Not so much. Not after cleaning up piles of poop, pee, and - wait for it - diarrhea on the dining room Oriental carpet. WTH? I have let the little crapper out at least 4 times a day. She's freakin' 13 years old, how can she not know outside is for pooping and inside is so not for pooping?

And the neighbor lady? So knew I'd be doing a lot of cleaning. Why else would she oh so casually mention the location of the cleaning supplies in her house? I cannot believe anyone would ask an acquaintance to watch two problem dogs for an entire week.

I think I have such a problem with this because this is the neighbor who totally bailed on us the one time we asked her to let our dog out. We had to be at a work function of my husband's all day; we asked if they would be home at 5 pm to let Sampson out. They assured us they would. Then they decided to go sightseeing 2 1/2 hours away and didn't get home until 10 pm at which time they called my husband's cell phone and asked if we still wanted them to let Sampson out. Are you kidding me?? So, when we're going away this weekend I have to spend hundreds of dollars for a pet sitter because I sure can't trust her to take care of my animals.

Must go wash my hands for the eleventy-tenth time. Gack

Friday, December 22, 2006

Word of the Year

msnbc.com has done a little "Year in review: The wacky and the tacky." They dish on tidbits such as "Trainwreck of the Year" (Anna Nicole Smith - duh), "The Reason Stars have Handlers" (Britney Spears - again, duh), and "The Word of the Year" ("firecrotch").

Whoa little doggie, back it on up! "Firecrotch?" Uh huh. In reference to a drunken monologue against Lindsay Lohan by sleazy rich kid Brandon Davis who slurringly referred to her Vajayjay as a "firecrotch" no less than 20 times to the paparazzi and for no apparent reason. Never one to look a gift ass in the mouth, those camera-clicking strumpets elevated this term to iconic status. Coining this term is perhaps the only positive contribution to society that Brandon "My Dad Gives Me Money, na na" Davis has ever made. It was so needed, apparently, as who knew that we would be forced to view the various crotches of so many commando starlets in just one year?

Personally, I would choose "asshat" as the word of the year, as in, "Mel Gibson is a narcissistic, racist, anti-semitic, vainglorious blowhard asshat of the finest kind." But, that's just me.

So, what's your word of the year?

Thursday, December 21, 2006

"Santa, You Must Leave"

Wow, and I though I had no Christmas spirit...

My Grinchy heart can't compare to that of Disney World who just kicked Santa out of their theme park. Apparently, a man named James Worley who bears a striking resemblance to to the real deal created a ruckus there.

His similar appearance to 'ol St. Nick didn't pass notice of the trigajillion kids at Disney World this week. They pointed; they shouted; they passed along wish lists. Mr. Worley took it in stride; it wasn't the first time he'd been mistaken for Santa Claus. Being a good guy and possessing a healthy dose of Christmas spirit, he went along with ruse and told kids, yes, he was Santa.

Well, apparently this pissed off Mickey and Minnie. They were miffed not to be the center of attention and Mr. Worley was asked to spread his Christmas cheer elsewhere. See, Disney managers said he was "confusing" the kids. Uh huh. Because, as they informed Mr. Worley, "Santa was considered a Disney character."

Wha? When did Disney buy Santa? You're telling me that Disney World now owns Santa Claus?? Ludicrous! No one owns Santa! Least of all some power-hungry conglomerate that along with Oprah is trying to take over the world.

Some things are sacred! Disney, you just back on away from Santa; he can't be bought.

Give Me an "S"

But only if you also have the "pirit." I can't seem to get in the spirit this year...perhaps because we've only lived here 6 months so it doesn't seem like "home." Of course, I doubt it ever will because I know we'll be leaving in a few years. Shut up, I know I have a bad attitude. If you've read this blog before, that really shouldn't be a surprise.

Some Christmas quotes to try and grow my Grinchy heart at least one size bigger:

I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph.

~ Shirley Temple

The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.
~Jay Leno


Oh look, yet another Christmas TV special! How touching to have the meaning of Christmas brought to us by cola, fast food, and beer.... Who'd have ever guessed that product consumption, popular entertainment, and spirituality would mix so harmoniously?
~Bill Watterson, Calvin & Hobbes


Where do you think you're going? Nobody's leaving. Nobody's walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no. We're all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here. We're gonna press on, and we're gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny fucking Kaye. And when Santa squeezes his fat white ass down that chimney tonight, he's gonna find the jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the nuthouse.
~Clark (Chevy Chase), National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation

Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we'll be seeing six or seven.
~W.C. Fields

And the Grinch, with his Grinch-feet ice cold in the snow, stood puzzling and puzzling, how could it be so? It came without ribbons. It came without tags. It came without packages, boxes or bags. And he puzzled and puzzled 'till his puzzler was sore. Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before. What if Christmas, he thought, doesn't come from a store. What if Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more.
~ Dr. Seuss


Wednesday, December 20, 2006

A Love Letter

Dear Donald Trump,

You, sir, are a fuckwad asshat of the highest order. I am, in fact, making you King Fuckwad Asshat since you are so enamored of titles and women with big boobs who have them. While we all appreciate you letting poor misunderstood big-boobied Miss USA off the hook, we are a little fuzzy on why you had to hold a televised press conference to do so. Hmm, what’s that? You wanted the world to see what a kind and generous leader you are?

See, here’s what’s wrong with that, King Ding Dong of the Bad Coiffure. You are not the Moral Police of whom all must bow down to. In fact, last I checked you're pretty much a manwhore. Let’s recap your moral past, shall we? Got married to Ivana, fucked around, left her and the kids for someone younger. Got married to Marla, fucked around, left her and the kid for someone younger. Got married to Melania, had a kid and do I really need to go on because we all know what’s coming.

So my point, King Fish Lips, is that you’re really not in a position to be judging someone else’s morality now are you? Really, you ought to be ashamed. Making this poor girl go into rehab. She doesn’t have a problem! She’s from Kentucky for the love of dog! That would make anyone go a little crazy in the Big Red Apple – how could she not take a bite outta that? So what if she was seen frenching Miss Teen USA – that makes for really good publicity. I guarantee the ratings for the next Miss USA and Miss Teen pageants will go way up. In fact, you should be giving her a nice bonus.

I would, Mr. Blowhard Combover with the very small penis, appreciate it if in the future you could give me more notice of when you plan to act like a pompous asshat on television so I can be sure to Tivo it.

Good day. I said, Good day!

P.S. I'd like to go on record as completely disagreeing with Trumphat's decision to give Miss PartyGirl a second chance. This is someone who has known the rules from day one and been told very clearly that she is a role model to young girls. I feel very sorry for young women today who are bombarded by this bevy of drunk, stoned, underwearless sluts as who they are supposed to look up to.

P.P.S. Trumpalumpa Ding Dong is suing Rosie! Oh, it's too good, it's too good! I don't know if you saw The View yesterday, but Rosie totally went off on Don-Don and now he's suing her. I'm not sure what for since she basically just called him a bunch of names like "snake oil salesman." I think he went way too far by saying this, "
Rosie is somebody out of control who really just doesn’t have it and she ought to be careful because I’ll send one of my friends to pick up her girlfriend and I think it would be very easy.” WTF?? Is he saying he's going to have Rosie's girlfriend Kelly bumped off, or that he's going to have someone try to seduce her?? What a total ass!

Mr. Heatmiser vs. Mr. Snowmiser

OK, anyone remember that great holiday primetime cartoon, "Mr. Heatmiser." After The Grinch it was my absolute favorite but I never see it on anymore. Uh, not that I watch cartoons. I just like to keep up with them, you know, for my nephews so that I can make good conversation with them about how the Grinch and I have the same size heart and such.

"I'm Mr. Green Christmas, I'm Mr. Sun, I'm Mr. Heatblister, I'm Mr. 101...They call me Heatmiser, whatever I touch starts to melt in my clutch! I'm too much!" "He's Mr. White Christmas, he's Mr. Snow, he's Mr. Icicle, he's Mr. ten below...Friends call me Snowmiser, whatever I touch turns to snow in my clutch. I'm too much! Way too much!"

Ringing any bells?? Hello out there! Why isn't this show on anymore?? It's seriously been troubling me for years. Who do you think would win in a battle to the death - Mr. Heatmiser or Mr. Snowmiser? See, I think Snowmiser. Heatmiser would keep melting him but like a bad STD Snowmiser would keep showing up again and again...

Anyway, I bring this up because a friend just gave me the annual Christmas CD put out by Bath and Body Works and guess what?? It has the song (chorus above!) "Mr. Heatmiser" on it sung by Big Bad Voodoo Daddy. I so wish I was cool and could figure out how to download it to my hard drive (ok, I CAN do that) but then I don't know how to make it play for you as I'm sure that involves some whiz bang programming skills. Sorry, would have liked to give you that for Christmas because I am SUCH a giver. Give, give, give.

The CD is called "The Pefect Christmas" and it's actually two CDs. AND, every dollar of each sale goes to the Make-A-Wish Foundation. You can check it out here.

UPDATE: CLICK HERE TO GO TO YOU TUBE WHERE YOU CAN HEAR BIG BAD VOODOO DADDY SING IT! Many thanks to ArtGirl!

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

Stuff You Must Know

Ok, the fabu Mr. Fab has tagged me with this meme and I just cannot refuse him anything. Oh wait, that came out totally wrong. What I meant to say is that I can and WILL refuse him everything except this. Yeah, much better where a sex-addicted manic-depressive psychopath with a penchant for large German women who feed him figs is concerned.


A- Available or single? I don't get it - are those my only two choices? Neither, I am not a whore!

B- Best Friend? My dog. Oh wait, that's too pathetic. Let's go with my friend Kira.

C- Cake or pie? CAKE!!!!!! And I prefer chocolate. I really don't get the point of pie - there's no icing, dude.

D- Drink of choice? Coffee or cosmos.

E- Essential item I use every day. Toliet paper.

F- Favorite color: The glisteny pinky-red of a cosmo. Oh no wait, I was distracted. Uh, merlot.

G- Gummy Bears or Gummy Worms? Gummy Bears!!! LOVE them, addicted in fact. But I have to have the REAL German kind, I think they're called "Ferflutootengluggen" or something like that. I really like the white ones, but also the green, then red, then orange. Yellow, not so much.

H- Hometown? Do I have to answer? Oh, ok...Bloomington, IL (2 1/2 hrs. south of Chicago since no one ever knows where it is.)

I- Indulgence: An 1 1/2 hour massage. Bliss.

J- January or February? February, it's closer to Spring.

K- Kids and names: I have no children but my yellow lab is Sampson and the evil Christmas-killing kitties are Hobbes and Spenser.

L- Life is incomplete without? Cosmos. Oh wait, distracted again. I'll also take margaritas. Or possibly my husband, naked, bringing me a cosmo.

M- Marriage date: October 23, 1999.

N- Number of siblings: One brother in Tampa, FL; we're 13 months apart. My mom actually wanted 4 kids until she had us so close together. It actually took me until my 30s until I realized I was a mistake. Yeah, I'm sloooow.

O- Oranges or apples? Clementine oranges - love those little suckers.

P- Phobias or fears? My husband dying; I think about this constantly. I'm sure to ask him at least once a month how much life insurance he has and maybe we should buy another mil in coverage.

Q- Favorite quote? "Nobody's bigger than a kick in the crotch." Courtesy of my father-in-law. Hope I never have to use it on him. :)

R- Reasons to smile: I married a very goofy man and have been blessed with an even goofier dog. You can't not smile around those two.

S- Season: Well, it's supposed to be winter but it was 75 degrees yesterday in Richmond! And I am not complaining one bit!! Oh wait, really gotta stop drinking in the afternoon. I think that means, my favorite season which would be autumn. Love everything dying. I mean the leaves changing colors.

T- Tag 3 or 4 people. OK, I usually don't but if they would be so inclined: Rayne, Libragirl, Gypsy, Carmen, and Irish who is supposed to be on "hiatus" which is total crap! Yes, I know that's 5, screw you.

U- Unknown fact about me: I lived in the same house that Sean Connery did in London. Unfortunately, not at the same time. He didn't even leave a martini shaker behind. *sigh*

V- Vegetable you don’t like: Beets.

W- Worst habit: Worrying about freakin' everything. Probably 0.012% of the things I worry about actually happen.

X- X-Rays: Hmm…teeth for sure. Feet (bunions, thanks Grandma!), knee (torn ACL), pelvis (don't ask).

Y- Your favorite food? Seafood, chocolate, gummi bears

Z- Zodiac sign: Leo; it fits due to my mane of hair and very fiery temper. roar.

Monday, December 18, 2006

Give Me Back That Kidney!!

Two best buddies; one in New York, one in Florida. NY guy promises FL guy his kidney should he kick.

NY guy dies and his window says she wants his kidneys sent to FL guy who was on the kidney transplant list. ONE kidney is sent to FL guy which should have been enough, but it turned out to be too damaged to be transplantable. Uh oh.

Widow and FL guy ask for second kidney. NY hospital paper pushers refuse. They say NY guy is dead and therefore, as a corpse, has no value. (Wow, that's harsh!) He apparently had no right to promise his friend a kidney. So say they. Why then was it OK to give FL guy one kidney? Did the NY hospital know it was damaged and wouldn't be of any use? Because they're pretty much contradicting themselves now by saying he can't have the other one only because NY guy had no right to promise it to him. If that's true, why did they give him the first one?? Get your story straight, asshats!

The second kidney was indeed given to someone else. FL guy was moved to the top of the organ donor network list but a match was not found before he died at age 55.

Before dying, FL guy filed a federal lawsuit against the donor network claiming they misappropriated his freind's other kidney. FL guy died in 2002; the lawsuit is still pending.

I know there is a shortage of organs needed for transplanting; it's why I'm an organ donor. It's incomprehensible to me to think that if I had a friend in need I couldn't specify that he or she would get my organ. Maybe I'm a little Darwinian, but as long as someone is on the transplant list, if they have someone who is willing to give them an organ, I think it should be allowed. You?

Friday, December 15, 2006

Yes, But Can YOU Paint With Your Butt?


Hee, ha, hoo - I can hardly contain myself! There is a guy named Stan Murmur who lives in my county in VA and he has recently come to national attention. In fact, he was discussed on The View this Wednesday.

Why, you ask? Oh, simple really, he paints with his butt. Yep, uh huh. See example to the left - I actually think that's pretty talented for being painted by an ass - but I do have a penchant for butterflies. He does all sorts of abstracts and flowers and I have to say, they aren't half bad.

Of course, there is a catch. I mean sure, butt-painting is interesting enough on its own, but that's not why Stan has come to national attention. Nope, it's because he's a...wait for it...high school art teacher. Oops. He was just put on paid administrative leave recently after school administrators learned of an online video in which he demonstrates his butt-painting uh, technique, shall we say.

Now, when I first read this I though, oh ick, pervert!! He should be fired, he shouldn't be allowed to be around children, etc. But after going to his website and watching the video - highly entertaining by the way - I'm not so sure.

He does make an effort to hide his identity by using the alias "Stan Murmur" which is not his real name. Also, in the video he wears a Groucho Marx style fake nose-glasses-mustache mask, covers his tattoos with duct tape, and puts a towel on his head to hide his hair. All this along with an extremely unflattering black thong. Yipes! BUT (hee) my point is he's not posting naked pictures of himself - he's never naked as he sits in paint and then goes over to a canvas and scoots around.

He's quite engaging as he explains how it all started in an art class he was taking where the students were told to paint a picture using an object and he choose his ass an object. So, you gotta give him points for creativity, no?

But, I am not a parent so I'm not sure how much it bothers parents to have their children being taught art by a butt-painting teacher. I do think it's a tad inappropriate, but on the other hand, he did try to keep his extracurricular butt activities separate and secret from his work as a teacher.

**UPDATE: 'Cause you asked!! No, there is no brush involved or ah, inserted anywhere. He uses a brush only to put paint on paper, then he sits in that paint to get it onto his butt, then goes to his canvas and "paints" with his ass.

So, YOU be the judge...Here is the link to his site (it's not porn, I promise) where he displays and sells his art. If you'd like to watch the short video, click "Video Clips." Then, please come back here and let me know what you think. Should he be fired from his job as a school teacher?? Does the school even have grounds to fire him?

Thursday, December 14, 2006

Wiki Wiki Wiki

Saw this fun little game over at Bobkat's House and thought I'd give it a try. I was always so jealous of my brother growing up because his birthday was on an important day (June 14th - Flag Day) and mine was NOTHING. Ah, sibling rivalry over the tiniest of nothingness, gotta love it.

If you want to play on your blog, here are the rules:

Rules:
1. Go to Wikipedia
2. In the search box, type your birth month and day (but not year)
3. Choose 3 events that happened on your birthday
4. Choose 2 important births and 1 interesting death
5. Post it!

So, my birthday is July 27:

Events:
  1. 1940 - Bugs Bunny makes his official debut in the animated cartoon A Wild Hare. "What's up, Doc?"
  2. 1974 - Watergate Scandal: The House of Representatives Judiciary Committee votes 27 to 11 to recommend the first article of impeachment against President Richard Nixon: obstruction of justice. "I am not a crook." Well, you kinda were...
  3. 1996 - Centennial Olympic Park bombing: In Atlanta, Georgia, a pipe bomb explodes at Centennial Olympic Park during the 1996 Summer Olympics, killing one and injuring 111. Wow, I remember this so vividly. I was living in IL and was in bed with my boyfriend when we turned on the TV. Remember how Richard Jewel was a hero, then condemned, then cleared, then lost his good name even though he had been cleared??
Birthdays:
  1. 1931 - Jerry Van Dyke, American actor. I loved watching him on the TV show "Coach." Remember that show? He was the very dim assistant coach who always screwed up...
  2. 1948 - Peggy Fleming, American figure skater. How cool, always watched her as a kid. (Me as a kid, not her watching me as a kid. See, she's MUCH older than me. But hey, I saw her on TV recently and she looks great.)
Strange point of note: There are an INCREDIBLE number of pro wrestlers born on my birthday - WTH??

Death:
  1. 2003 - Bob Hope, English-born entertainer (b. 1903). I had no idea he died on my birthday. RIP, Bob, you were a hoot.

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

O Christmas Tree



O Christmas Tree, how I mourn thee...
You were so pretty. I got to enjoy you for a whole week!

Gee, it's just not Christmas until something gets broken.

4 Sale Cheap, VERY cheap - two obese, grumpy, very bad cats. Will break everything in your house for free.

So, that's it for the tree this year. I salvaged the ornaments that I could and put them away. I wrapped up the ribbon, threw away all the broken ornaments, and swept up this mess. Stick a fork in me, I'm done. No more Christmas tree - I've had it; it's going back in the box until next year, or, I don't know, fucking never ever again to be seen. If you would like to see an adorable well-behaved sweetheart of a kitty, go to Carmen's blog and check out Pooh and his Christmas tree - with not an ornament out of place!

I would like to conclude today's program with a picture of my angel - my best boy Sampson who has never destroyed anything - ever! I gave him permission to eat the kitties this morning but he found this stocking (which I gave him, he wouldn't dream of just taking it!) much more enjoyable. The good one.


Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Shooting Bambi Just Got Easier

Hmm, always knew those Texans were just a little bit coo coo, but this pretty much seals the deal, eh?

There is actually a bill filed for the 2007 legislative session that would permit legally BLIND hunters in TX to use laser sights, or lighted point instruments. See, blind people like to hunt, too. You shouldn't discriminate against them and tell them, gee, I don't know, don't shoot a gun if you can't see what you're shooting at. No, no. Instead, let's do everything possible to make it easy - and fun! - for them to shoot guns at stuff. And hey, as an up side, you don't even need to wear one of those neon orange vests that clashes with everything you own when you hunt with a blind person. Doesn't mean they won't kill you, just means your outfit will be a little better color-coordinated.

The use of laser sights, spotlights and headlights is currently prohibited in all Texas hunting because it can make animals stand still as the light shines on them. In other words, it gives Bambi no chance to get away from being shot to death. But hey, let's not lose sight (heh) of what's important here!! Blind hunters should get the thrill of killing animals, too. And, the more the helpless the animal the easier for them to be killed by some guy who can't see shit.

Now, Rep. Edmund Kuempel, the author of this little brainchild bill, would like to assure Texans that the current requirement that visually impaired people are allowed to shoot only with the aid of a sighted person will still stand even if the bill passes. Whew, good to know. I was a little worried this was some crazy legislation that would actually allow a blind person with a gun to just go around shooting things he can't see with the excuse that he thought he was shooting at a deer...hmm, wait a minute, that's EXACTLY what's going on here.

I'll be very interested to see if this bill passes. Kind of like a "stupidness" gauge. If it passes, Texans are stupid; if it doesn't pass, Texans are a little less stupid. (Hey, THEY elected this genius asshat in the first place!)

Monday, December 11, 2006

Rest easy, sleep well

Let me preface this post by saying you're one cold son of gun (or "cinnamon gum" as my dear Italian grandma would say.) if this story doesn't move you.

Two weeks before Christmas 1992, a man named Morrill Worcester from Maine found himself with an extra 4,000 evergreen wreaths that he couldn't possibly sell at his Christmas store before the holiday.

So Mr. Worcester called his senator in Washington D.C., loaded up his truck with wreaths, and laid them at the foot of tombstones at Arlington National Cemetery, which is an American military cemetery established during the Civil War. With more than 260,000 people interred there, Arlington National Cemetery has the second-largest number of people buried of any national cemetery in the United States.

He has continued this tradition every year since, except now instead of a few volunteers to help him lay the wreaths, at least 500 people will show up to honor
veterans from all the nation's wars, from the American Revolution through the military actions in Afghanistan and Iraq. And, he now purposely buys extra wreaths for this ritual; this year over 60,000 will be laid.

When Mr. Worcester first started this tradition there was no publicity, no crowds, no hordes of volunteers. It was simply a private duty by a man awed by a visit to Washington D.C. as a twelve-year-old. His visit to the Arlington National Cemetery stuck with him his whole life; and he immediately thought of all the the cold, white tombstones when had a surplus of wreaths.
“We couldn’t do anything in this country if it wasn’t for the people who gave their lives to protect us. Those people never had what I had, and yet they’re the ones who made it possible for me and everyone else. If I could, I’d decorate every one of them,” he says.

In the years since first laying the wreaths, the pilgrimage has become increasingly well known thanks to the internet. Tales and photos of his trips reached such epic proportion that urban legend fact checkers, Snopes.com, investigated its truthfulness. Yes, it was all true.

This year, Mr. Worcester and his truck of wreaths will be escorted by a couple hundred Patriot Guard Riders - a national motorcycle group whose mission it is to display their respect for fallen troops.


Every year, the superintendent of the cemetery assigns a different part of the grounds for the wreaths to be laid. Last year, the circuit of over 260,000 tombstones was completed so this Christmas it will begin again. Mr. Worcester always makes certain to reserve a few wreaths for the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier (pictured below), the John and Robert Kennedy grave sites, the memorial to the USS Maine and the resting place of Sen. Edmund Muskie of Maine. He has returned every check that has been sent to him to help pay for the wreaths, saying, "It's just my way to say thank you. I've got a lot to be thankful for."

"Rest easy, sleep well my brothers.
Know the line has held, your job is done.
Rest easy, sleep well..."

unknown

Sunday, December 10, 2006

More Stupid People

OK, fasten your seatbelts, here I go again - rant time!! It's been at least a couple of days, right? I'm allowed to resume ranting at whim, it's what I do.

Of course, I say "rant" and you might call it something a little less positive, maybe "diatribe." No matter, you say "to-may-toe, I say "to-mah-toe"; you say "po-tay-toe," I say, "fuck you."

So here's the deal-o: Big time important head honcho dude of Goya Foods hires a wild-animal business to bring WILD animals to his 7-year-old daughter's birthday party. You really don't need me to tell you what happened next but let me do so in vivid sarcastic detail anyway.

Yep, a 4-year-old girl was severely mauled. Luckily, she'll live although her face will be terribly scarred for life. The cougar was destroyed.

OK, there are SO many things wrong with this story my head just spun around and asked itself if it actually just read what it thought it did. Unfortunately, yes. So let's review:

1) What idiot in his right mind would think it's a good idea to have WILD animals at a party where young children will be running and screaming? Most people know it's not a good idea to mix WILD animals and children, let alone provoke said animals with high-pitched shrilling and running. 'Cause gee, I don't know, running is what a cougar's prey does, asshat.

2) Why is there even a WILD animal company whose business is "renting" out WILD animals? They are WILD. If I say this elventy seven more time will idiots pay attention?? Probably not, but let me try. What really do people expect when they "rent" WILD animals? Did they expect that anyone, no matter how much they call themselves an expert, an animal trainer, or a jackass could possibly take a WILD animal and make it tame? After beating it into submission countless times, I'm sure the animal may appear to be tame and under your control but guess what? It's just bidding its time. Is this not one of those unwritten laws? Who doesn't know this? It's like when you're watching a horror movie and the somehow unsuspecting victim-to-be decides to explore the house instead of running for her life when she hears a noise.

3) The cougar was put down. See, I really have a problem with this. Why are they blaming the cougar for doing what a WILD cougar does? You cannot take the instinct out of a wild animal! Now, they said they killed the cougar to see if it had rabies - it did not. Sure, uh huh, because of course it had to be rabies or some other terrible disease that would cause this WILD animal that was certainly under your control to attack. Also, last time I checked, there are vaccinations for rabies. So gee, let's see now, if you're going to be bringing around an animal that could possibly be in contact with people why wouldn't you just vaccinate it ahead of time? Heck, no big deal, we'll just kill it if anything happens.

I'm annoyed, people, so annoyed.

Saturday, December 09, 2006

Tis the Season

A Christmas Meme from Vitamin Sea!

1. What is the worst Christmas gift you ever received?

Oh, this is ridiculously easy. Last year my husband the romantic gave me an exercise ball. Oh, I wish I were kidding, but sadly for his balls he really f'd up with that one. Granted, it wasn't the only gift he gave me, but that doesn't count nor did his lameass whiny excuse, "But you like to work out." Uh huh, and after that gift you can forget about any bedroom "workouts." In our first year of marriage I made it clear that anything that has a plug is not an appropriate Christmas or Birthday gift. I thought exercise equipment would be obvious, but apparently I underestimated him. His remedial training has begun.

2. Two weeks before Christmas you win $1 million. You have to spend it all by the end of this year and you cannot buy anything for yourself. How do you celebrate the holidays?

I'd split it between two college funds for my nephews.

3. Do you have any family traditions? What are they and do you continue the tradition in your own household?

My family would eat Christmas Eve dinner a la "The Feast of the Seven Fishes," (It's an Italian-Catholic thing) go to midnight mass and then come home and open presents. You'd think it would be hard to come up with 7 halfway yummy fishes, wouldn't you? My Grandma always snuck in the 7th by grinding up sardines in the tomato sauce for the pasta. Of course, I never knew that as a child...just thought the sauce tasted a little different due to all the chocolate I consumed before dinner. Oh, and the Baccala (salt cod) - ack, yack, blech.

Why seven you ask? It stands for the seven sacraments of the Catholic Church. The seven days of creation. In Biblical numerology, seven is a number of perfection.

One of my favorite memories is frying shrimp in the downstairs kitchen (a staple in all good Italian homes) with my Grandpa. He'd give me shrimp hot out of the oil and sneak a couple for himself. That tradition died with him, but that's OK, because it was the time spent together that made it a tradition, not the shrimp.

4. What is your favorite smell from this season?

Fresh Christmas trees. We never had one growing up because we would always be gone during Christmas and my dad was afraid the house would burn down. When my husband and I lived in Upstate NY we started chopping down our own tree - pretty much a requirement there, in fact, I think they kick you out of the state if you have a fake tree.

Anyway, the real tree tradition stopped when one year my husband could not get the tree to stay upright in the stand - it kept falling over. He thought he had it at one point so I went ahead and decorated the whole tree and then, boom, an hour later over it went. Husband was so mad he chucked it out the front door where it stayed for a good 2 weeks. The neighbors really got a kick out of that one. Now we have a fake, pre-lit tree from Tarjay.

5. Do you regift? (That’s when you get something you hate and give it to someone else on another Christmas later)

OH, you betcha. Why would I keep that ridiculous picture frame of Santa kissing his reindeer? I can always find someone who would actually like something I don't. And, if I can't, my mother-in-law gets it. :)

6. If you have kids, how hard do you try to preserve the myth of Santa Claus? What do you do to keep the Fat Man "alive?"

What? Wait, there's really no Santa Claus? I still believe in the power of the "season." I think there are a lot of people who are more generous, kind, and loving during Christmas. It's a shame that seems to fade when Christmas is over, but I do believe it can be a very "magical" time.

7. What was your favorite gift you received when you were a child?

Hmm, the 'ol Easy Bake oven is coming to mind. It's interesting, though, that I don't really remember a lot of the gifts I got. What I remember most is the excitement of going to Pittsburgh to be with my grandparents, aunt, and eleventy five cousins. I'm sure my parents have fond memories of the 10-hour car ride from IL to PA with my brother, the family cat, and I in the back seat. Ah, good times. Good times. Also, a really good lesson - it's the company not the gifts, stupid.

8. Do you sing along with the Christmas muzak in the stores? What’s your favorite Christmas song and which is the one that you hate so badly that you go postal and run amok in the aisles of Walmart when you hear it?

I don't even notice the Christmas music in stores since they've been playing it since the day after Halloween - I'm now desensitized. My favorite song is Silver Bells. I also like Joy to the World, but I have to admit I probably like it because it always signals the end of a looooooong Christmas mass.

Play along in comments or on your own site!

Friday, December 08, 2006

Catch a Load of These

So have you seen the list of top 10 "catch phrases" to be heard on TV? I have to take offense at some them. I know, I know, you're shocked since I'm usually so mild-mannered and accepting of everything the media tries to stuff down my throat.

1. Here's Johnny! (The Tonight Show). Absolutely! Totally agree that this should be #1. I don't care about the 12-year-olds out there who have never heard of Johnny or The Tonight Show - they haven't lived long enough to get a vote in this. Go play a video game and shut it.

2. One small step for man...(Neil Armstrong walking on the moon). Eh, OK I guess. I don't know that I would put it at #2.

3. You're fired. (The Apprentice). Are you fucking kidding me?? NO WAY. This one actually makes me want to start a movement banning the Trumpster from ever appearing on TV again. Or, at least until he gets a real hairstyle. That this "catch phrase" would even make the top ten just proves my theories that a) Trump (along with Oprah and Disney) is trying to take over the world, and b) That money can and does buy you anything.

4. Baby, you're the greatest. (The Honeymooners). I used to watch this show - in reruns, people!, and if you're going to use a phrase from the late, great Jackie Gleason, what about, "One of these days, Alice...POW, right in the kisser!" Ah, classic if not totally politically incorrect.

5. Ask not what your country can do for you...(John F. Kennedy). Yep, #5 seems about right. I wonder if 50 years from now America's fascination with the Kennedy's will have waned?

6. D'oh! (The Simpsons). OK, I guess this is pretty well known since the show has been on for eleventy-five years. But I'm surprised "I have a dream!" from Martin Luther King isn't next on the list.

7. Where's the beef? (Wendy's commercial). Remember the little old lady saying this? I don't know, I never thought it was that funny.

8. Whatchoo talkin' 'bout, Willis? (Diff'rent Strokes, Arnold). Yep, absolutely. My husband STILL says this - gah! Not funny anymore, but I will give you catchy.

9. Yabba dabba do! (The Flinstones). Again, certainly very well known but more catchy than say, "Are you sponge worthy?" from Elaine on Seinfield - no way!

10. I'm not a crook. (Richard Nixon). I guess this is a generational thing by the people that created the list since I would have substituted, "I did not have sexual relations with that woman!" in this spot.

I think the list is quite disappointing. I'm shocked that not one Seinfield catch phrase made it into the top ten. What about the all time classic, "Are you the Master of your own domain?"

How about "Dyn-o-mite!" from JJ Walker on Good Times?

Where's, "De Plane! De Plane!" from little Tattoo on Fantasy Island?

"Aaaaaaaaaay" with a thumbs up from the Fonz on Happy Days"

"I'm Larry, this is my brother Darryl, this is my other brother Darryl." From Larry on Newhart.

"Incoming!" from Radar on M*A*S*H

Do you have a favorite TV catchphrase?

Click here for the full list of "The 100 Greatest TV Quotes & Catchphrases."


Thursday, December 07, 2006

Thirteen Things You Should Know About Today


Thirteen Things You Should Know About Today

Do you know what today is? Do your kids?

  1. Today marks the 65th anniversary of the Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor.

  2. Japan's two-hour aerial raid killed 2,403 people and wound 1,178 others.

  3. It destroyed or heavily damaged 21 ships and 32 aircraft.

  4. It plunged the United States into World War II.

  5. Four in five servicemen on the USS Arizona, 1,177 in all, did not survive the day. It sank in 9 minutes.

  6. It was the greatest loss of life of any ship in U.S. naval history. The men remain entombed in the battleship's sunken hull, which still seeps oil every few seconds, leaving a visible sheen on the harbor water.

  7. However, the American aircraft carriers were not in port. They were out to sea. As later results would prove, the aircraft carrier was the dominant ship in the navy. By not sinking the American carriers, the Japanese left the American left fleet largely intact. Of the 21 ships that were sunk on December 7, 1941, all but three were eventually refitted and sailed again under the American flag during the war.

  8. Before 7 a.m. the radar station at Opana Point picked up a signal indicating a large flight of planes approaching from the north. These were thought to be either aircraft flying in from the carrier Enterprise or an anticipated flight of B-17s from the mainland, so no action was taken.

  9. The USS Oklahoma rolled over on its side, pinning many men inside and underwater. Some were rescued; many were not. Of the crew of 1,301, 429 died.

  10. Army Air Corps pilots managed to take off in a few fighters and may have shot down 12 enemy planes. At 10 a.m. the second wave of attacking planes withdrew to the north, and the assault was over. The Japanese lost 29 planes and five midget submarines.

  11. "Yesterday, December seventh, 1941, a date which will live in infamy, the United States of America was suddenly and deliberately attacked by naval and air forces of the Empire of Japan." President Franklin D. Roosevelt as he announced America's entrance into WWII.

  12. "I feel no animosity toward the Japanese. All wars, none of them solved anything." Powerful words spoken by U.S. District Judge Richard L. Willliams who was a 18-year-old soldier in Pearl Harbor 65 years ago.

  13. "More than an end to war, we want an end to the beginning of all wars - yes, an end to this brutal, inhuman and thoroughly impractical method of settling the differences between governments." Franklin D. Roosevelt



Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!


The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!



Wednesday, December 06, 2006

You're Only Allowed One

So I was reading that China's population of 1.3 billion people would be 400 million higher if not for the government killing all the baby girls. Woops, did I say that? Silly me, I meant to say, if not for the government's policy of limiting families to having only one child.

Of course, China prizes males over females (stupid asshats) so the result has been millions of abortions, sterilizations, and murders as couples force the issue. There is no record, of course, of how many baby girls have been killed so that a couple can legally try again to have one (MALE) child. One statistic I read said that 117 boys are born for every 100 girls. HOWEVER, that statistic was provided by the Chinese government, and lying asshats that they are, I'm sure the ratio of boys to girls born is actually much higher. In the U.S. by the way, the sex ratio is approximately 105 boys born for every 100 girls.

I'm really disgusted that in the 21st century not only does this gender bias still exist; but that it exists to such a degree that people actually kill babies solely on the basis of their being female. So who is to blame here? The Chinese government says the one-child policy has slowed population growth and contributed positively to the country's socioeconomic development. Yet, there certainly is an imbalanced sex ratio - who is going to take care of all these valued males when they get older? 'Cause there won't be any women left you chauvinistic dumbshits!

Why does China still have this belief that males are better than females? Granted, I think that belief also still exists to an extent in the U.S., but we don't go around killing babies for the sole reason that they happen to be female. Shame on the Chinese government for not changing this sterotype. They certainly could since they control all the media in the country! How different would China be if every baby who happens to be female was allowed to be born resulting in a more normal sex ratio? Just curious. Sad we'll never know.

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

The Greatest Generation

Hmm, what's wrong with this picture?

Well, it represents the increasing laziness of Americans. Yes, that's right, I can tell that from this one picture. Don't even try to argue with me. Do you really think a construction guy painting lines 50 years ago would have allowed this? Heck no! It wouldn't even have occurred to him to do a crappy job. That was the era of "If you're going to do something, do it right." Anyone's parents' ever tell them that?

Which brings me to one of my favorite books, The Greatest Generation by Tom Brokaw. If you haven't read it, I promise you it's well worth it. You'll cry, you'll laugh, you'll appreciate the strength of character that was so commonplace 50 years ago. After reading that book, I couldn't get out of my head the common refrain that so many men who served in WWII kept saying: "I was just doing my job." Over and over again, you will read that. Whether the guy almost died saving his fellow soldiers or whether he was asked how he felt about fighting a war; he was just doing what his country asked of him and he was PROUD to do it.

Frankly, it should be required reading for every teenager who thinks his or her life is just SO hard. The Greatest Generation teenagers had more responsibility at 18 than most of our country's teenagers will at 40 years old. Don't believe me? Read the book! It also makes a great gift this time of year...Dang, I wish someone was paying me for this.

Sunday, December 03, 2006

Say What?

This weeks Chit Chat for your reading entertainment:

  1. The Bingo Alibi. A man in PA actually blamed his wife's thrice weekly bingo habit as the reason why he repeated sexually assaulted two young girls. "I told her - she was going to bingo three, four times a week. I told her to cut down to once a week." Not surprisingly, the wife said she'd go play bingo everyday if it was available. Gee, you think she wanted to get away from her prize of a husband? Maybe she was hoping one of the bingo prizes would be a new husband.

  2. Bingo Strikes Again. Dang! People are serious about their bingo. Note to self: Don't ever mess with a bingo player. A 61-year-old woman was convicted of selling marijuana in AZ last week in an attempt to fund her bingo habit. She said she was driven to drug running to earn cash for her bingo addiction. Well, she'll have plenty of time to play during the next 3-12 years in prison. I wonder if there is a "Bingo Anonymous" where these people can get help.

  3. Bong Hits 4 Jesus. Woo hoo, take drugs in Jesus's name! Oops sorry, got a little carried away there. A high school senior in Juneau, Alaska was suspended after he displayed his "Bong Hits 4 Jesus" banner when the Olympic torch passed through Juneau in 2002. Hee. Apparently he's appealing on the basis that his free-speech rights were violated. Hmm, what would Jesus say? If only this story could somehow involve bingo...

Friday, December 01, 2006

The Picture of Innocence

Heh, heh, look at me, Mr. Innocent. The perfect picture - see, aren't I cute and sweet. I'm an angel; I'd never do anything wrong.


































Huh, how'd that shiny ball get down there? I have NO idea. It sure wasn't me. Uh uh. I'm perfect.















What? There are two balls on the ground you say? Well, obviously the dog did it because we're both perfect angels and would never - we're seriously offended you would actually accuse us. That's just rude.


The only TRUE innocent one of the bunch.