Friday, January 05, 2007

The Duping of Katherine

OK People, back the hell off. I did NOT eat the rabbit on purpose!! I was TWELVE. All the adults lied and told me it was chicken. I believed them. I was TWELVE. I actually didn't find out until years later that it was rabbit and I was truly crushed. I have certainly never - knowingly - eaten it since. I also refuse to eat veal and duck but admit to no problem eating cow, pig or chicken. I also have no problem wearing leather but refuse to wear anything with real fur on it. Hey, if you're reading my blog you already know I'm cuckoo...

I have been duped!! I was all prepared last night: drink - check, snack - check, hot Joe - check (Thanks ever so much for sending him over Nils!)

And then, the big letdown - Grey's Anatomy was a repeat!! WTH? The stupid network kept promoting "The Return! Of Hot McSteamy, McDreamy, McChocolately Eye Candy!" OK, maybe they didn't say it exactly like that, but's that what I heard.

Then - two repeats! Fuckers. Asshat fuckers.

Whatever happened to the good old days? You know, where there would actually be new programming for the ENTIRE season and only repeats in the summer. You knew this; you could plan to stay out late playing Kick the Can with your buds because you didn't have to rush in to see if Mr. Farley would catch Jack Tripper with a girl and realize he wasn't really gay...

So, let's review what a difference 30 years makes:

Scenario: Jack pulls into school parking lot with rifle in gun rack.
1973 - Vice Principal comes over, takes a look at Jack's rifle, goes to his car and gets his to show Jack.
2006 - School goes into lockdown, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.

Scenario: Jeffrey won't be still in class, disrupts other students.
1973 - Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by Principal. Sits still in class.
2006 - Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has a disability.

Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his father's car and his Dad gives him a whipping.
1973 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.
2006 - Billy's Dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. Billy's sister is told by state psychologist that she remembers being abused herself and their Dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has affair with psychologist.

Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some headache medicine to school.
1973 - Mark shares headache medicine with Principal out on the smoking dock.
2006 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario: Mary turns up pregnant.
1973 - 5 High School Boys leave town. Mary does her senior year at a special school for expectant mothers.
2006 - Middle School Counselor calls Planned Parenthood, who notifies the ACLU. Mary is driven to the next state over and gets an abortion without her parent's consent or knowledge. Mary given condoms and told to be more careful next time.

Scenario: Pedro fails high school English.
1973: Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.
2006: Pedro's cause is taken up by state democratic party. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he can't speak English.

Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a red ant bed.
1973 - Ants die.
2006 - BATF, Homeland Security, FBI called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, FBI investigates parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated. Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary, hugs him to comfort him.
1973 - In a short time Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2006 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in prison.


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