Monday, January 22, 2007

Prunes and Diapers? Not For Me

What is the deal with all of these "Oldest Living Person turns 212!" newspaper articles lately? Seriously, I've had enough. Why do I care how old the oldest living man or woman is?

Do they care? Because, I bet they really don't. They may care about their next nap, how to get their dentures to stay in their mouths, or why the hell they're still alive when their entire family is dead...I don't mean to be insensitive. Well, OK, perhaps I do, a little.

Personally, I'd rather not live to some ripe old age where I cannot take care of myself, look like a prune, have a mustache, and have to wear a diaper. If I don't have a good quality of life and no family and friends still around, well then, stick a fork in me 'cause I'm done. Over and out, I'm ready to meet my maker.

The thought of being old and alone, unable to take care of myself and stuck in some smelly nursing home scares the absolute crap out of me. Maybe because I had to see my Grandma spend the last 10 years of her life in one. It was utterly horrible and still brings me to tears. Bastards stole her wedding ring! It was just a gold band of hearts - there weren't even any diamonds in it. They would have had to pry it painfully off her swollen, arthritic fingers.

I've actually had some people say to me, "Oh you should have children so you'll have someone to take care of you when you're old." Wha? Took all my willpower not to kick them in the crotch. One - where does my child sign saying that yes, he will take care of me in my old age, and two, gosh, if that isn't the best reason to have a child I've ever heard! Asshats...I guarantee that with you for parents your children will purposely stick you in the worst nursing home in the country - if you're lucky. If not, a shed out in their back yard where maybe they throw out a piece of bread once a week.

I'd much rather go in an instant - no pain, no suffering. Perhaps a quick heart attack while eating chocolate cake and sipping a martini after just having had great sex. How do you want to go?

***P.S. Husband still has the 'ol stank eye, in fact, it's spread further into his eye - is it supposed to get worse before it gets better?? He's freaking out because the president of his corp. is in town for a big meeting today. He doesn't know if he should shake hands with him or not. I was not much help with his dilemma since I was laughing so hard - yes, it's part of my "good wife" service. I suggested an eye patch but he didn't like that option either. Men are just SO hard to please!


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