Wednesday, February 28, 2007


I seem to have recently read a plethora (LOVE that word) of bizarre stories that I wanted to share with my dear loved ones. That would be you.

First, I bow down to the genius--and the cojones because they have to be huge--of the guy in Switzerland who actually managed to hoodwink one of the country's biggest media companies into publishing a two-page ad he created featuring himself. And it gets better: In the ad, he's posing semi-nude with a bottle a Gucci perfume. He claimed to represent Gucci, and that the media company should send the $49,100 bill for the ad to them--and they fell for it! Mwahahahaha, asshats! And hey, I'm going to check into moving to Switzerland, which appears to be the only country left on Earth where you can get things without having to first put up the dough. Or, if you're canny enough, for free.

I will not, on the other hand, be moving to Romania any time soon. Apparently, if you are a child molester there's no place like Romania. See, even if you get caught and go to prison, you can get out years earlier than you should by simply writing a book lauding vampires. I'm not shitting you, people. The government actually said they consider this pedophile's book, The Life and Times of Vlad Dracul to be community service. I can't even, GAH, I wish I had the words for that load of crapola. I hope a bunch of kids service the community by driving some stakes through his heart and smearing his body with garlic.

Worried the little ankle biters are spending too much time playing video games? HA, not to fear, they'll just grow up and be world-class surgeons, earning beau coup bucks with which to support you in your decrepitness. New research (again with the money wasted on researching worthless crap. No wonder there isn't yet a cure for cancer!) found that surgeons with the highest scores on "Super Monkey Ball 2," "Star Wars Racer Revenge," and "Silent Scope" performed best on tests of suturing and laparoscopic surgery.

Um, anyone else wondering why these surgeons were playing video games (in the name of research, no less!) instead of, I don't know, saving lives. But apparently, it's important for the public to know that surgeons who had played video games at least three hours a week sometime in their past worked 27% faster and made 37% fewer errors on surgical tasks, compared to those who had never picked up a game controller. Huh, I guess that is good to know. Before my cousin Rocco goes in for a triple bypass I'll be sure to interrogate the surgeon on his video-game playing scores.

Yes, I really do have a cousin Rocco. Got a problem with that?


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