Thursday, April 26, 2007

I'll Get You My Pretty...And Your Little Dog, Too

Hmm, how can I love MY dog so much and get so flippin' annoyed at someone else's? I mean, I know that I have the best dog in the world but, really, how can everyone else's be so frickin' lame? Heh.

Thank God Sampson is going to live forever.
My husband has already tried gently bringing up the "After." You know, the After the best dog in the world dies you need to immediately go out and get another dog because if you don't you will fall apart and I don't want to deal with you, After. Nice.

See, this weekend a friend of ours is coming with his yippy yapper 8-lb chiahuahua rat terrier mix. Seriously, there is such a dog. And he's a nightmare. That's his picture which doesn't really do justice to his demonic personality.

First of all, they got him at a pet store so already that pisses me off. If you're not going to show your dog, couldn't you at least look at the shelters and rescue organizations in your area because I bet there is a fabulous dog there you would love.

Second, he's an obnoxious brat and I swear to the Milkbone King he knows it. He's seriously OCD, especially about his toys. If my dog gets within 10 feet of one of his toys he growls and yips at the top of his yippy yappy lungs.

Third, he has no interest in doing anything with you unless it involves you throwing his ball for him or giving him a treat. Otherwise, you are a useless creature to be ignored and growled at.

Fourth, he has an aversion to leashes. Uh huh. Yet he'll run away if he's not on one. But, try to put it on him and he'll do his best to bite you. Try to take a leash off him and, you guessed it, he'll again try to bite you. Perhaps something bad happened to him at some point, but I'm going with brain damage and just generalized disagreeableness.

Oh, and last time he visited? Overturned my purse, pulled out a nutrition bar, and tore it apart on the carpet. Also, peed on my bedroom carpet purely for spite. The first time we visited his owners in their house, he pooped on the carpet in the bedroom we were staying in. Just gives you insight into his psycho killer personality. I made sure our bedroom door was locked at night for fear he would come in and rip our throats out.

Finally, he's sexually perverted. Seriously! He has a black stuffed creature that is as big as he is named "Blackie." When you see him dragging Blackie around it's best to move to another room. You know, before the mad humping begins. If you think you've seen humping, you ain't seen nothing until you've seen this show. They could totally video tape it and sell it as doggie porn.

Why is it that little dogs (and cats) always seem to rule their owners?


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