Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Booby-Flashing Baristas, Oh My!

Oooo la la latte!! How about an eyeful with that cappuchino?

I guess it was just a matter of time--first Hooters, now: Cowgirls Espresso in Seattle, Moka Girls in Auburn, Bikini Espresso in Renton and my personal fav, Natte Latte in Port Orchard.

What the hell, people?! I object! I do not want my coffee served by some teenybopper with her shirt unbuttoned and boobies popping out of her demi cups.
This is, apparently, some new demented trend to try to increase coffee sales. Yeah, I'm sure the men are flocking to these places; I guess they don't care if they offend the women. Some of the scantily clad booby-flashing baristas report up to $150/day in tips.

The owners of these "serve 'em sexpresso with a smile" places report few complaints. "Most guys like to see pretty girls when they get their mochas," said The Sweet Spot owner. "We just figured we'd be honest about it."

Well dang, how very refreshing. Apparently the wife of a regular "Drive thru and view!" guy isn't so understanding. She complained when the baristas started signing the coffee cups with "XOXO." Huh? These women have their boobs shoved right under her husband's nose and that's what she complains about??

Monday, January 29, 2007

Rest for the Weary

Damn, dude, I so thought you were gonna make it. I'm very sad 2006 Kentucky Derby winner Barbaro had to be euthanized today.

Despite heroic measures to save his life after he pulled up lame in the Preakness, he lost the fight. Although I love animals in general, I can't say why hearing about his death has me so sad. I think because the whole world seemed to be rooting for him--sending cards and emails full of good wishes after his first surgery. We heard about his improbable recovery every step of the way--how he was making it despite the odds. And, of course, there was always the "what if" factor. How many races could this amazing horse have won if he hadn't been injured?

And, in fact, his injured leg did heal, but the strain it put on his other legs proved too much. He had serious inflammation in his other 3 hooves that would not heal. His vet said, β€œHe was just a different horse. You could see he was upset. That was the difference. It was more than we wanted to put him through.”

The positive thing to come out of this tragedy is the $1.2 million raised since early June for the Barbaro Fund. The money will go toward needed equipment such as an operating room table, and a raft and sling for use in pool recovery after surgeries.

β€œCertainly, grief is the price we all pay for love,” said Barbaro's co-owner Gretchen Jackson.

RIP big guy. I hope you're up there running like crazy. Maybe you and Seabiscuit are racing right now.

The Greatest Gift

I just received the greatest gift and no, it wasn't diamonds or expensive chocolates.

I received an email from Mrs. Lillian D. Champion who is the mother of Marjorie C. Salamone, the woman I wrote a 9/11 tribute to. I couldn't believe it - I was so honored she read my tribute. At the time I wrote it, I didn't want to try and contact any family members for information as I felt that might be intruding. You may remember hearing about the 2,996 tribute to the victims of 9/11 started by D. Challener Roe. He was able to get more than 2,996 volunteer bloggers to each write a tribute to a victim of 9/11.

I would like to share the lovely email her mother sent me:

I am Marjorie Champion Salamone's mother. I am 84 years old and still live in Pine Mountain, GA, where Marjorie was born and grew up. Thank you for your tribute to her. She was a very wonderful, intelligent, compassionate person and a great daughter, mother and wife. If you click on Arlington National Cemetery/Marjorie C. Salamone, you can find several articles about her. Her daughters are doing well. Ann Marie, the oldest daughter, has a doctors degree in physical therapy, married a young man who finished law school, passed the bar and is affliated with a law firm in Philadelphia where they are living and where she is practicing pediatric physical therapy. Amanda moved back to DC last year from New York and has been accepted for grad school at both NYU and George Washington University. She plans to attend GWU to get her MBA. Marjorie would be so proud of both of them and their accomplishments.

Click here to read my tribute to Marjorie C. Salamone. Never forget.

Friday, January 26, 2007

Gummy in My Tummy

God Bless, people, I can't stop eating Gummy Bears. I've inhaled a bag a day for the past 3 days. Gah, I have such a Gummy hangover now.

If you're not familiar with such a hangover, I assure you it's a real phenomenon. My face sweats, I get a "sugar sore" on the inside of my cheek, and my jaws ache from all the chomping on the little gummy bodies.

Today I was at Tarjay for all sorts of crap and of course had to get another bag. Which I ate in the car driving home. Risked life and limb time and time again as I pawed through the bag searching for the perfect flavor combos: white + red = pineapply cherry bliss!

I actually went to a gym that I have no intention of joining, got a guest pass, and went to a spinning class in hopes of burning off all these gummy calories! I needed a drill sargeant of an instructor to push me into some exercising stratosphere that I can't reach on my own.

Yes, I know I need help. If you've read my blog before, this should be no surprise. At least I don't pluck feathers off live chickens or fry ants with a magnifying glass.

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

Planet Non Grata

Poor much-maligned Pluto. How sad I am that kids growing up today may never even hear of Pluto since it's now been declared a planet non grata.

That's right; if you haven't heard, Pluto is no longer considered a planet in the solar system because it doesn't meet the International Astronomical Union's "definition" of a planet. Whatever that might be - don't worry, I'm not going to post it because really, who cares? All you need to know is it's something to do with it's size...

I guess I'm so distressed thinking about all that time back in Catholic grade school that I wasted memorizing the planets: Mercury, Venus, Earth, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus (giggle, giggle), Neptune, Pluto. Cool, I can still do it although now it's all for crap since Pluto's been axed.

"Plutoed" was chosen as the 2006 Word of the Year by the American Dialect Society. To "pluto" is "to demote or devalue someone or something."

Plutoed beat out other words such as "murse" (man purse), "flog" (fake blog that promotes products), and "macaca" (forever remembered as the ethnic slur uttered by incumbent Virginia Senator George Allen to a worker on his opponent's campaign staff. Guess who wasn't re-elected?).

So, Isaiah Washington (Dr. Burke aka Dr. McChocolately Goodness on Grey's Anatomy) has been plutoed by the publicity surrounding his use of the word "faggot" in reference to gay co-star T.R. Knight (George). Got a "pluto" sentence??

Monday, January 22, 2007

Buzzard Killing Squirrel Electrifryer Turns 78

So on Sunday we went to my inlaws to celebrate my father-in-law's 78th birthday. My fil actually cracks me up - he's a very intimidating ex-military guy when you first meet him. Lied about his age and went to fight in WWII when he was 15; survived the Battle of the Bulge. Hates the Red Cross to this day because they made the soldiers pay for cigarettes during the war instead of giving them out for free. He has some kind of hush hush connection to the CIA but won't talk about it. My mother-in-law said she had CIA people following her around at one point. Maybe - could have been her psycho imagination but that's another story.

My fil has been retired too long and has way too much time on his hands. He's already electrified the pole to the bird feeder to sizzle any squirrels that dare try to climb it. Now he's taken to shooting his 22-gauge shotgun at some buzzards that have taken up residence in their neighborhood. Seriously. He's shooting a gun in a suburban neighborhood surrounded by homes. Yep.

Last week my mil is in their kitchen and hears a gunshot. She goes running to the family room to find her husband lying on the floor with a shotgun. She thinks he somehow shot himself or had another heart attack. Nope, he was just lying on the floor to get a better shot at the buzzards through the door (open at the time) to the deck. Got two of them.

My husband says, "Dad, you can't shoot your gun in the neighborhood. You could kill someone." Dad says, "Naw, the bullet will travel far enough to land over in the black neighborhood. They're always shooting at each other anyway." I kid you not.

This from the man who says the best lesson he's learned all year is to not overload the muzzle of his shotgun with too much gunpowder. He blew himself off the bucket he was sitting on in the back of his pickup truck when he was deer hunting earlier this year. Apparently, he purposely put extra gunpowder in the shotgun so he could take a longer a shot since he can't walk into the woods as far anymore. The recoil projected him off his bucket and out of the bed of the truck where he landed flat on his back beside it. He was OK and yes, he got the deer he shot at.

Prunes and Diapers? Not For Me

What is the deal with all of these "Oldest Living Person turns 212!" newspaper articles lately? Seriously, I've had enough. Why do I care how old the oldest living man or woman is?

Do they care? Because, I bet they really don't. They may care about their next nap, how to get their dentures to stay in their mouths, or why the hell they're still alive when their entire family is dead...I don't mean to be insensitive. Well, OK, perhaps I do, a little.

Personally, I'd rather not live to some ripe old age where I cannot take care of myself, look like a prune, have a mustache, and have to wear a diaper. If I don't have a good quality of life and no family and friends still around, well then, stick a fork in me 'cause I'm done. Over and out, I'm ready to meet my maker.

The thought of being old and alone, unable to take care of myself and stuck in some smelly nursing home scares the absolute crap out of me. Maybe because I had to see my Grandma spend the last 10 years of her life in one. It was utterly horrible and still brings me to tears. Bastards stole her wedding ring! It was just a gold band of hearts - there weren't even any diamonds in it. They would have had to pry it painfully off her swollen, arthritic fingers.

I've actually had some people say to me, "Oh you should have children so you'll have someone to take care of you when you're old." Wha? Took all my willpower not to kick them in the crotch. One - where does my child sign saying that yes, he will take care of me in my old age, and two, gosh, if that isn't the best reason to have a child I've ever heard! Asshats...I guarantee that with you for parents your children will purposely stick you in the worst nursing home in the country - if you're lucky. If not, a shed out in their back yard where maybe they throw out a piece of bread once a week.

I'd much rather go in an instant - no pain, no suffering. Perhaps a quick heart attack while eating chocolate cake and sipping a martini after just having had great sex. How do you want to go?

***P.S. Husband still has the 'ol stank eye, in fact, it's spread further into his eye - is it supposed to get worse before it gets better?? He's freaking out because the president of his corp. is in town for a big meeting today. He doesn't know if he should shake hands with him or not. I was not much help with his dilemma since I was laughing so hard - yes, it's part of my "good wife" service. I suggested an eye patch but he didn't like that option either. Men are just SO hard to please!

Sunday, January 21, 2007

Pink Eye Pirate Party

Well, I survived the damn party but now my eye is a little itchy...ACK! I'm totally freaking out. Sheets and towels are a'washing as we speak, uh, blog.

I tried the whole "highly contagious" spiel on my husband but he just gave me that pitying look. You know the one, it goes something like this, "If you'd just shut up, suck it up, and act like a big girl you'll get a lollipop when we get home." Fine, as long as it's a chocolate Tootsie Roll pop (do you lick or bite?). Although he did instruct me NOT to tell anyone he had the 'ol stink eye going.

One lady broke a glass at the party; it was actually the boss's secretary. So happy it wasn't me. She left literally 10 minutes later so you know she was feeling a little embarrassed.

I certainly will take Glenn's suggestion next time and have Husband and I dress as pirates with eye patches and then act surprised no one else is dressed in costume. Argh, mateys!

Unbeknownst to Husband, I did secretly tell everyone he had pink eye and by 10:00 pm everyone was gone! It was like magic. I felt like Harry Potter in drag for a brief moment.

Seriously, everyone but us and 2 other couples had left by 10:00. I thought that was a little strange but of course I was secretly thrilled. I thought I was going to be the next out the door, but SIGH (wipes sweaty brow in dramatic fashion), we stayed another hour.

Listened to a rather entertaining story from the boss about his wife's cousin Jimmy who ripped his nose off on a chain link basketball net. Required 180 stitches to sew it back on. Cool. Dang, forgot to ask if he can still smell...

Highlight of the night? It's a tie between the Amaretto margaritas and the chocolate ganache raspberry-filled cake.

Saturday, January 20, 2007

An Eye for an Eye

Quick - if my husband has pink eye (conjunctivitis) does that get us out of going to his boss's party tonight?

I've never had it but heard it was really contagious, so surely he can't be around a lot of people, spreading his eye gunk everywhere, right??

His left eye has been really red on one side for two days so this morning he went to the emergency room. Yep, that's what happens when you move to a new town and don't find a doctor right away - you have to go to the emergency room when there is clearly no emergency. We wanted to just go to one of those "Doc in a Box" clinic places but, gee, there was no listing in the phone book for "Doc in a Box."

So, Husband is at the pharmacy getting his antibiotic drops. When he comes home, I plan to tell him that due to his contagiousness, we can't possible attend this crappy work party of 50 people that I don't even know. If even just one person gets pink eye, everyone will know who gave it to him! Gee, I think he could probably get fired for that, I'll say...

Ah, it's so hard to be a good, supportive corporate wife when you hate people in general.

Thursday, January 18, 2007

The Incredible Shrinking TV Dinner

GAH! God bless, people, what the fuck happened to Lean Cuisine? Have their portions gotten smaller or what? It's not just me, right? RIGHT?!

I had some Lean Cuisine chicken and green beans for lunch yesterday, oh excuse me, Grilled Chicken Medallions in a light, delicate yet delectable foo foo sauce brilliantly paired with sauteed French green beans (read, thin green beans since God forbid the French eat regular size green beans like the rest of the free world).

I added a side salad and some cherries and I'm frickin' starving here! My "Shape Up in January in Preparation for Swimsuit Try On Season" is going awry quickly. I had been doing really well except for the half pound Godiva chocolate binge followed a day later by the 8 Lindt truffle binge. I just don't know why the scale hasn't gone down...

In my defense, I cannot be held responsible for the chocolate binging. Husband and I had lunch out and I just wanted ONE (or maybe two) pieces of Godiva chocolate. When we entered the store we found the "after-holiday" chocolate sale in full swing! How could I just get one piece when I could get a BOX for 50% off?

And the Lindt deal? Well, my size 0 friend just happened to have bowls of Lindt truffles all over her damn house and kept urging me to eat them, because, you know, she just doesn't like chocolate. I couldn't wait for her to fall asleep so I could smear chocolate all over her tiny little face.

So, I guess I need to live by this chick's motto:

Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body. But rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, Cosmo in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"

Your Public is Not Waiting

Have you been watching the American Idol auditions? It's the only part of AI that my husband will watch - he's says it's the most entertaining.

Well sure, making fun of people is always entertaining. But, I have to say, I'm starting to feel like I'm in grade school, standing on the sidelines watching a bully beat up some poor kid because his hair is the wrong color.

I know, you're shocked - is this a kinder, gentler Katherine? No, of course not. I blame the parents (you know me, always gotta blame someone). They absolutely know their child cannot sing. Yet, time and time again, they accompany their glass-breaker of a child to the audition and watch his heart get cut out, marinated and eaten with a flourish.

There was this one young boy that I was so bothered by. He really thought he could sing. (Sure, they ALL say that, but you know a lot of them just want their minute on TV.) You could see how he truly felt his life was over, his world crashing down around him, as Simon none too gently told him he shouldn't sing. Ever.

And yes, of course, Simon was correct so I don't understand why a parent would set their child up for such rejection? I know you can't protect him from every harsh situation he will encounter in life, but this? This is easy! "Junior, I know you want to be on American Idol, but right now I don't think your voice is ready. How about taking some lessons before trying out?" See, it's perfect! Then, the hapless voice teacher can be the one to tell him he has no future in singing. He would believe it from an instructor vs. a parent and he won't have to deal with the public humiliation.

Anyway, back to this poor, misguided child. What bothered me so much wasn't even that he stank royally and yet his so-called loved ones still let him audition, but that when he was rejected he came out of the audition screaming that now he would never be "famous." And of course, his mummy was right there to tell him oh sure, oh yes, you will one day be famous.

That's what I have a problem with people! NO!! No, you dingleberry, you probably won't ever be famous - most people aren't. Get a real fucking goal in life. Mom - what the hell are you teaching him?? That being famous is the most important thing in the world?? Where did he come up with that idea? You are failing as a role model, Big Time, Mrs. White Trash.

Teach your boy it's not about being famous. It's about leaving your mark in a positive way, even if it only touches one other soul and no one else knows about it.

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

More Sex Studies!

Got ya with that title didn't I? Can't you just hear Christopher Walken saying, "More cowbell!" now? (You have to watch SNL.)

So, once again some male scientist has taken it upon himself to study sex. "Oh, what a chore, what a bother, but I'll buck up and do it!" he says in a falsetto.

One of the eleventy-four magazines I subscribe to says that a study of global sexual behavior shows that the age for first-time sex hasn't changed much in the past 10 years. Most people lose their virginity between the ages of 15 and 19.

I have to say, I'm surprised it isn't more like ages 14-17. I lost mine at age 17 to my high school boyfriend who was also a virgin. It wasn't really that great. You?

The study goes on to say that there HAS been an increase in premaritial sex - mostly because people are getting married later in life. Hmm, I have to disagree there. I think there would be an increase in premarital sex now vs. 10 years ago whether people were marrying later or not. We're more promiscuous, period. I blame Britney Spears.

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Night of 1,000 Anorexics

OK, who watched the Golden Globes just to see the dresses?

Me, me, me! It's like when I was 8 and would watch Miss America just to see the evening gown competition. I could not have cared less about Miss Tennessee's acrobat routine where she balanced 10 Chinamen on her head while wearing 4-inch Manolos. But! Let me see her in her sparkly seafoam green chiffon number and I'd be all aflutter imagining myself in such a spectacular gown one day.

Well, one day has come and gone and this chick has yet to wear seafoam chiffon or sequins. Damn, life ain't fair. So, let's make fun of the beautiful people.

Case #1: Cameron Diaz. No doubt the chick is hot; she's got a rockin' bod any woman and quite a few trannies would throw up regularly to have. But, I gotta say, I have never liked her choices at the red carpet events. I actually think this dress is one of her better decisions although I don't love it - her stylist must have picked it.

Case #2: The Smiths. Yep, this is just one FINE couple. Who doesn't want their life? I hope they're as happy as they seem.

Case #3: Helen Mirren. I wish I had a full length picture of this woman. She has an incredible body for however old she is. And, she never takes the frumpy, elderly lady way out. No pantsuit or voluminous coverups for her. She has sex appeal in spades.

Case #4: Beyonce.
I know so many people will disagree with me, but I hated this dress! I thought it made Beyonce look like a total tramp - very "leave nothing to the imagination" a la Mariah Carey, Queen of the Sluts.

Case #5: Ellen Pompeo. Love Ellen, love her on Grey's Anatomy, hate the dress. Memo to Ellen: You're not a Grecian extraterrestial. This dress has got some weird action going on in the poopshoot area.

Case #6: Jennifer Hudson. Woo hoo! She looked great; so happy she won. I loved her speech when she said "I had dreams; I just never dreamed this big."

Case #7: Teri Hatcher. Va va voom! Way to show them all how it's done, gf.

Case #8: Reese Witherspoon. Hmm, I'm thinking she missed on this one. She always does some ill-fitting vintage thing. Not sure if this is vintage, but it seems a little too "Hey, I'm a big sparkly banana!"

OK, enough! I also thought Kyra Segdwick looked fabulous as did America Ferrera, both winners. And, Salma Hayek - good Lord does that chick have a rack on her! Renee Zellwegger also looked pretty in emerald green although way too thin and suprisingly UN-made up. Almost like she forgot to put a little blush on or something. Did you watch? Anyone you want to dish about?

Friday, January 12, 2007

Put Off Reading This Until Later

'Cause, you know, that's what us procrastinators do.

Apparently, there is nothing more meaningful to study like, oh say, a cure for cancer, so scientists just completed a 10 year study - that was supposed to take 5 years, ba da dah - that found not only is procrastination on the rise, it makes people poorer, fatter, and unhappier.

Shee-it, I could of told them that in 10 minutes.

In 1978, about 5% of the U.S. population thought of themselves as chronic procrastinators. Now it's 26%. A psychologist who writes self-help books on fighting procrastination said he has found it harder to wean chronic procrastinators from their habit than "...to wean alcoholics from booze."

Again, this suprises who? How many millions did this study cost? Can I have that money since I already knew this? And, what's the point? What is anybody going to do with the info? I'll tell ya, a bunch of scientists are going to sit around and discuss it and write articles about it for the next 10 years.

One of the professors involved with the study said, "That stupid game Minesweeper...probably has cost billions of dollars for the whole society." You know, I don't doubt it, but it's also probably provided a welcome stress relief for people who are working longer and harder than ever before.

It's also important to note (because I said so) that men are bigger procrastinators than women. Nah, nanny boo boo, told you!

OK, gotta go vacuum, but first I'm going to lay on the couch and read a book. Then maybe go to the mall, then buy some crap online, then...

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

From Doughnuts to Bedonkadonks

Hey, an update on the Butt Painter - his can done got him canned from his job as an art teacher at a local high school here. The school claimed it wasn't because of his, ah, artistic style of painting. Yeah, right.

They say it was because of (use your best upper crust accent here), "...the disruption in the classroom." I can't say I buy that since he used an alias and a disguise on his website and video. I guess they mean now that he's been found out, whatevah. I predict he'll become famous, known 'round the globe as the Privates Painter: when you want some really classy art .

Disappointing news from my prior domicile Columbus, OH. In addition to be completely stopped by the Gators Monday night (wha?), now the poor inmates there are losing their doughnuts! Unbelievable - what will they take away next? The county commissioner just nixed a $55,000 annual contract to supply two correctional centers with glazed and jellied. Hmm, I hear Spam is pretty cheap...

Yesterday it was North Dakota; today it's South Dakota. The University of Sioux Falls is offering a dating course called "Finding Dates Worth Keeping." For credit! Meaning, it counts toward graduation credits. Jeebus on a stick, people, why doesn't the college just rename itself "University of Good Times."

I thought maybe we'd advanced since 1960 where the only point of women going to college was thought to be to obtain a "Mrs." degree. PUHlease! Now we're giving lazy ass college students in PJs credit for going to class to talk about their dating histories?

The instructor says, "Some people may think it's a slack course, but...our love relationships impact us more than anything else." Uh huh, I'm so interested to hear how you convince 18 year olds that they want a "relationship" versus a hookup with the hot chick with a nice bedonkadonk ass in Psych 101.

Hey, it's National Delurking Week! Can I get a heeeeeeyyyyyyyyy?

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

PJs and School Go Together Like Peanut Butter and Jelly

This just in: Pajamas are no longer acceptable attire at school.

Because, you see, they were before. Yep, at least in North Dakota where student Dusty Holmes says he used to wear pajama bottoms to school because it helped him "stay relaxed" on the days when he had wrestling matches.


First of all, why would you name your child, especially a male, "Dusty?" Good thing he's a wrestler; I assume he can properly defend himself from all the Tom, Dick, and Harry's wanting to kick his ass for having such an asshat name.

Second, so glad school administrators finally wised up that pajamas may not be appropriate school attire. But, they did so only after a teacher complained. What - is it so cold in North Dakota that everyone's brain has frozen and rendered them incapable of logical thought?

Third, hello?? Any parents out there doing any parenting? What parent let's their child go to school in pajamas? We'll let Dusty's parents slide of course, since they're obviously idiots, but what about the other parents that allowed it?

Monday, January 08, 2007


Just me or is anyone else concerned that buildings have been evacuated in Manhattan due to strong, gas odor of unknown origin and in Austin, TX scores of birds have mysteriously dropped dead in one night?

Yes, yes, I know those two cities are nowhere near each other...but something very strange and sinister seems afoot. Perhaps a plane flew over both cities spewing noxious fumes.

Mayor Boobberg, oh excuse me, Bloomberg, has assured NY citizens that there is nothing to worry about (should they really just take his word for it?) yet at least 7 people have gone to the hospital with "odor-related complaints." Just what exactly is an "odor-related complaint"? If the person next to me on the plane has obviously not showered in this decade, can I go to the hospital with an odor-related complaint? Assuming I have not already been asphixiated and am still alive.

The problem in Manhattan is actually very simple to solve: Donald Trump farted. He'll be calling a press conference about it at 11:00.

Sunday, January 07, 2007

I'll Take One with Blue Eyes and Could You Make Him a Dwarf, too?

Um 'kay, I've read a couple really disturbing stories recently about parents who purposely make their children disabled. I just cannot fathom this; however, I'm not a parent so maybe I'm missing something?

There is a couple in Chicago who have a severely mentally and physically disabled child whose growth they have stunted in order to keep her their "pillow angel." Yup, that's what they call her 'cause, you know, she's 9 years old and isn't any bigger than a pillow.

God help me for wanting to take a baseball bat to their wee small brains. They say if they allow her to grow they wouldn't be able to care for her at home. So, they had her uterus and breast tissue removed and give her large doses of hormones to stop her growth. Wow, I have got to be missing something because supposedly licensed doctors did the operation and prescribed the hormones - how could this be?

And then, another story also in Chicago...hmm, quite a disturbing trend going on there...about intentionally creating disabled babies. Some fertility clinics have actually admitted to helping couples create "made-to-order" babies; just not in the way you would think. Remember after the movie Gattaca (1997, Jude Law, Uma Thurman , Ethan Hawke) when the talk was all about creating so-called "designer" babies with the sex, eye color, hair color, etc., exactly as specified by the would-be parents? Well, what's being talked about now is just the opposite.

A woman who is a dwarf wanted a clinic to "engineer" an embryo so that the resulting baby would also be a Little Person. She actually said, "You cannot tell me that I cannot have a child who's going to look like me. It's just unbelievably presumptuous, and they're playing God."

Wha?? Put down the crack pipe, Lady. WHO are you saying is playing God? 'Cause in my book that would be you. How dare you want to sentence what would be a healthy child to a disabled life because you want it to look like you. Jeebus, go buy a doll. Talk about a selfish nincompoophead. She's now condescended to just adopt a dwarf baby.

But, the fact remains that there ARE clinics who admit to creating disabled embryos for parents who requested them. Why aren't we hearing more about this? Where is the ethical outrage?

Ack, think of the chaos if we all got to play God. Oh wait, let me rephrase, think of the chaos if everyone with enough cash designed their ideal child.

Saturday, January 06, 2007

Where Do I Get One of Those Bras

Remember when I mentioned, ah perhaps somewhat facetiously, that my city has just said "no" to the shooting of guns to celebrate New Year's Eve? Granted, a good 50 years too late, but whatever, Redneckmond is back on track now!

Well, today I read a story that informed me if I just wear the correct bra, I don't have to worry about those pesky bullets. See, Debbie Bingham was wearing her favorite gold-colored bra to ring in the New Year in St. Petersburg, FL. and it stopped a bullet. No lie. Would I lie to you?

See, they have a few rednecks in that area, too, that think its good 'ol plain fun to shoot guns in the air - New Year's Eve, cousin twice removed now married to your sister, got a new a truck, etc., you know, special occasions and the like.

Anyway, Debbie was minding her own business, just watching the fireworks, when she felt a sharp pain in her shoulder. One of her daughter's noticed blood on her shirt and started yelling that her mom had been shot. Hmm, yes, that would be my first thought, too.

At the hospital they found that the bullet had pierced her bra strap, and said strap had prevented more serious damage. She only required 5 stitches.

"It was a very cheap bra," Debbie said. "It wasn't very expensive, and I'd love to have a couple more of those bras," she told a local TV station. Well dang, Debbie, so would I! I could make millions marketing them as "Bullet Stoppers" in areas where the country cousins hang out.

The story also noted that shooting a weapon inside the city limits is a misdemeanor with a maximum fine of $1,000 and up to one year in jail. I'm presuming that if you maim or kill someone the penalty might be slightly stiffer. But, I'm not betting it on it.

Friday, January 05, 2007

The Duping of Katherine

OK People, back the hell off. I did NOT eat the rabbit on purpose!! I was TWELVE. All the adults lied and told me it was chicken. I believed them. I was TWELVE. I actually didn't find out until years later that it was rabbit and I was truly crushed. I have certainly never - knowingly - eaten it since. I also refuse to eat veal and duck but admit to no problem eating cow, pig or chicken. I also have no problem wearing leather but refuse to wear anything with real fur on it. Hey, if you're reading my blog you already know I'm cuckoo...

I have been duped!! I was all prepared last night: drink - check, snack - check, hot Joe - check (Thanks ever so much for sending him over Nils!)

And then, the big letdown - Grey's Anatomy was a repeat!! WTH? The stupid network kept promoting "The Return! Of Hot McSteamy, McDreamy, McChocolately Eye Candy!" OK, maybe they didn't say it exactly like that, but's that what I heard.

Then - two repeats! Fuckers. Asshat fuckers.

Whatever happened to the good old days? You know, where there would actually be new programming for the ENTIRE season and only repeats in the summer. You knew this; you could plan to stay out late playing Kick the Can with your buds because you didn't have to rush in to see if Mr. Farley would catch Jack Tripper with a girl and realize he wasn't really gay...

So, let's review what a difference 30 years makes:

Scenario: Jack pulls into school parking lot with rifle in gun rack.
1973 - Vice Principal comes over, takes a look at Jack's rifle, goes to his car and gets his to show Jack.
2006 - School goes into lockdown, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.

Scenario: Jeffrey won't be still in class, disrupts other students.
1973 - Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by Principal. Sits still in class.
2006 - Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has a disability.

Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his father's car and his Dad gives him a whipping.
1973 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.
2006 - Billy's Dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. Billy's sister is told by state psychologist that she remembers being abused herself and their Dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has affair with psychologist.

Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some headache medicine to school.
1973 - Mark shares headache medicine with Principal out on the smoking dock.
2006 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario: Mary turns up pregnant.
1973 - 5 High School Boys leave town. Mary does her senior year at a special school for expectant mothers.
2006 - Middle School Counselor calls Planned Parenthood, who notifies the ACLU. Mary is driven to the next state over and gets an abortion without her parent's consent or knowledge. Mary given condoms and told to be more careful next time.

Scenario: Pedro fails high school English.
1973: Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.
2006: Pedro's cause is taken up by state democratic party. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he can't speak English.

Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a red ant bed.
1973 - Ants die.
2006 - BATF, Homeland Security, FBI called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, FBI investigates parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated. Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary, hugs him to comfort him.
1973 - In a short time Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2006 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in prison.

Wednesday, January 03, 2007

The Killer of Warm Fuzzies

So Ps has some great pictures of rabbits over at her blog, Just a mother of two. Apparently, she went on holiday at a resort that keeps 60+ rabbits and lets them frolic on the lawn each evening for everyone to play with and enjoy. They are indeed lovely.

Which reminds me of a rabbit story I'd like to share with you. I wasn't going to tell this story and ruin the "warm fuzzy" she has going on her blog, but you know me...I delight in being the Warm Fuzzy Killer.

When I was 12 I was in Italy visiting my Great Uncle and Aunt. They live on a farm and grow olives and grapes which they use to make olive oil and wine to sell. Anyway, being on a farm they have a lot of animals including rabbits. They were delightful! One day I played and played with those nice rabbits. My mom took a picture of me holding a huge brown fellow; I had a big cheesy grin on my face - look at ME! I'm holding a rabbit!

That night we had chicken for dinner. I thought it was a little strange all the chicken was dark meat, but whatever, it was delicious - so moist! You see where I'm going with this?

I Owe You

I owe you a NY subway story...so sorry about that cat post. I went a little insane for about a half hour and that's what happened. See, the coffee pot exploded this morning while I was still asleep. Husband tried his best to clean the kitchen but God love him, he is not a mess cleaner upper. So when I woke up not only was there no coffee, but there was a sticky mess everywhere. Did I mention the no coffee part?? Gah

Oh, just one little quick aside about the cats (because I still haven't had my daily 6 cups of Joe. Hmm, that should probably be a lowercase "J," but let's pretend I know some hot guy named Joe and I'm going to have him.) I actually caught one of the cats - the fattest one (review: 19 lbs.) - trying to chew a hole in the dog food bag before I got up to the third floor to feed him. He was determined to eat whether or not I fed him. Yep, these cats are 100% batshit.

So get this - Sick subway passengers in New York, most of them dieters who faint from dizziness, are among the top causes of train delays, according to the Metropolitan Transportation Authority.

"Not eating for three or four days, you are going to go down," a transit emergency medical technician said. OK, so who knew there were even transit EMTs? And I just love his quote, "...you are going to go down." mwahahahaha

Apparently, an average of 395 delays each month are caused by sick customers. 395 a month?? Holy Skinny Cows, Batman, shove a milkshake in the hand of each chick stick who gets on looking a little pale and pinched! Maybe they should have Mr. Transit EMT (I wonder if his name is Joe?) go from car to car with a packages of Oreos strapped to his body.

And yet another NY subway story!! This one restored my faith in the kindness of strangers...

I am declaring today "Wesley Autrey Day" in honor of this amazing, selfless man that almost died saving another man who had a seizure and fell onto the subway tracks in the path of an oncoming train. Sounds like a Will Smith movie, eh?

Wesley is a 50-year-old father of two who, with no consideration for his own safety, immediately jumped onto the subway tracks to help 20-year-old Cameron Hollopeter who he had just seen fall.

As he tried to pull the man to safety, he looked up and saw a train heading towards them. He grabbed Cameron and managed to pull him into a shallow trough where they lay as five cars rolled overhead. The trains were so close to his head that Wesley actually had grease on his knit cap.

Cameron was taken to the hospital where it was found he had suffered a seizure, but he walked away from his fall with only bumps and bruises. Wesley refused any medical treatment saying he wasn't hurt. He then dropped off his two young daughters who he had been standing on the platform with and went on to work his night shift.

"I don't feel like I did something spectacular; I just saw someone who needed help," Wesley said. "I did what I felt was right."

All Vets are Extortionists

I usually feed my two cats at 11 a.m. Husband feeds them first at 5:30 a.m. Because they are fat bastards, they are on "diets" and not allowed to just have food in their bowls at all times like most normal cats. They are lucky I still feed them after the "killing of Christmas" incident.

Anyway, way back in October when we gained an hour due to Daylight Savings time, they got all mixed up and have been mewroaring (what? It's a word) and pawing at me beginning at 10 a.m. I refuse to give into their demands, however; and make them wait until I'm good and ready to go stomp up 3 flights of stairs to give them their stupid food. Why is their food on the 3rd floor? Gee, good question. Because apparently the water table (what??) is too high in Richmond for basements (take note, Carmen!) And, I wanted the cats to have a little exercise - the ONLY exercise they get is going up there for their food. My one cat will chase a ball exactly once. Once he has the ball he puts it between his paws and lays on his back to play with it so he doesn't have to move. So strange that he weighs 19 lbs.

Interesting to note that if you are willing to pay an extra $100K you can have a basement like some of my neighbors do. Hmm, in my book we call that "extortion."

This post is not going at all like I had planned. I planned to write about the NY subways because I had some really interesting things to tell you - very unlike this completely boring fat cat post.

I promise to tell you about the subways later, so please don't cross me off your blogroll for this little indiscretion. OK? So, back to the cats. They were on this prescription diet food that had to be purchased from a vet. Something like $38 a bag. Again, the word extortion comes to mind. Anyway, I had had enough - they hadn't lost any weight on this stupid diet food in 5 years!! So, I started buying them a reduced calorie food at Petsmart and guess what?? They didn't gain any weight. The point? All vets are extortionists.

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

How To Celebrate New Year's if You Don't Have a Gun to Shoot

Just heard on the news that government officials in Richmond, VA have said, "It is no longer acceptable to shoot guns on New Year's Eve."

Well, that's a relief. Since, you know, apparently it WAS acceptable just last year.

What the hell, Goob? I can no longer shoot m'gun to party on, um, whazzat day a'gin? Haw, I'll just shoot 'er off the next day.

See, this is what happens when you live in Redneckville where gun and hunting paraphernalia commercials regularly stink up the airwaves.

Hmm, whatever will these former New Year's Eve gun shooting off mofos do to ring in the New Year now?? I shudder to think...your guess??

The Prostitute Pledge

Woo hoo!! 2006 is OVAH, bring on 2007. So glad to have the holiday season over, back on those treadmills, people, put that chocolate bar down! ack, you first.

We here at In a big way would like to officially welcome you to the 2007 edition of our blog. We promise even MORE rants, ridiculous news items, and bad kitty stories! (OK, it's really just me here, but I thought "we" sounded more officious and self-important.)

To kick things off, I would like to present "The Prostitute Pledge" for your review.

You may have heard that certain Asian countries are big fans of hiring prostitutes as rewards for the long-suffering, hard-working businessman. South Korea is proud to be no exception. However, they want you to know that they have launched a campaign offering cash to men if they promise NOT to buy sex from prostitues after office parties. Hmm, how do you like them apples?

In fact, the government will pay up to $5,000 to each company whose businessmen sign a pledge saying they will abstain. Are you flippin' kidding me?? Now we're going to pay the johns not to have sex? What idiot things that will actually work? My guess? The john will take his little no hanky panky bonus and buy MORE sex.

Apparently, 1,300 companies have actually had "volunteers" sign this pledge. uh huh. Sign, or we will fire you and you will have to commit suicide in disgrace! Oh, and the government agency responsible for this brilliant idea? The Gender Equality and Family Ministry. mwahahahaha, I wish I could make up stuff this ridiculous!

South Korea would like you to know that since 2004, it has stepped up its efforts to crack down on prostitution. Officials admit that the practice remains widespread, however. Wow, shocking. Truly.