Thursday, March 29, 2007

Schrute's Space

Mwahahaha!

I don't care who you are, you have to love the Dwight Schrute character on NBC's sitcom "The Office." Rainn Wilson is so perfect for that role, although you also may remember him as a mortician's assistant from HBO's Six Feet Under.

Rainn actually writes a blog as his character, Dwight. It's hilarious! For example, his latest post talks about how he wants his funeral to be conducted and the things he wants with him in his coffin, which will be made out of Dunder Mifflin paper boxes by the way.

Check it out.

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

The Road to Hell

Newsweek's special issue dated April 2 is one worth buying.

The majority of it is devoted to sharing letters and emails written by American soldiers fighting in Iraq to their loved ones back home. All the correspondence featured is from soldiers who, unfortunately, never came home and never will. It makes what they wrote all the more chilling, inspiring, and agonizing, especially when you think about how many of their comrades are still there with no end in sight. (Their loved ones gave permission for the publication of their letters.)

This isn't about whether you believe in the war or not, it's about respecting and honoring those who have willing chosen to perform a service that not many would.

I'm just going to share one of the many stories that left me with my mouth hanging open, but certainly buy this Newsweek edition and read them all; they are so worth it.

ARMY NATIONAL GUARD SPC. MICHAEL G. MIHALAKIS
Nov. 2, 2002, Fort Leonard Wood, MO. (Basic Training)

I don't even recognize myself anymore. I have a completely shaved head, Army uniforms, and zero fat. The very few seconds I get to look in the mirror while I shave each morning, I try to remember who I used to be. Every soldier is going through the same change. It doesn't matter who you are: prom queen, high school football star, scholar, idiot, or whatever. As soon as you get here, you become a copy of the person next to you. It sounds like hell, and to tell you the truth, it is. But I'm loving every minute. I'm learning so many cool things.

July 2, Baghdad
How can I possibly put the last 7 days into words? We got into Baghdad on the 2nd of July. It was about an 8-hour drive from the Kuwait border to Baghdad. When we crossed the border it was like entering a new world. The sides of the roads were covered wtih starving Iraqis begging for food. Kids as young as what looked to be 4 or 5 would run up tot the vehicles. We were given a direct order by the company commander not to throw food or water to the starving people because there are too many Iraqis getting run over by our convoys when they run after the food. It is so hard to tell a starving 5-year-old who is begging for food to go away. Every time our convoy would stop, we would be ambushed by kids trying to get food; it was one of the hardest things I have ever had to watch.

Finally, I gave in. Sitting up in the gunner's hatch, I can see everything. A sickly barefooted 6-year-old approached the vehicle; he looked so sick. He was touching his lips saying "please, please." I told him to go away and he just looked up at me. It looked like he wasn't going to make it much longer in the 133-degree weather we had that day. Again, I shouted "kief!" which is "go" in Arabic, and I pointed. As we drove away, I threw an ice-cold bottle of water out the window to him. Luckily no one saw me.

I love you guys. And please try not to think too much about it, it sounds a lot worse than it is.

Mihalakis died of injuries sustained when his Humvee overturned on Dec. 26. He was 18.

Monday, March 26, 2007

Philosophizing

I was entertained by these Lyrics to Live By in the latest issue of Men's Health. What? I do too read the articles! They are very informative about, ah, men and their health and stuff. Oh, and there are all sorts of pictures of hot guys with washboard abs and tight tushies. Snicker, snicker.

"Sometimes you're the windshield; sometimes you're the bug."
Dire Straits, "The Bug"
This is just pure poetry.

"Savor the throne, but don't mind the stool."
Steve Winwood, "Take It As It Comes"

"When the grass is cut, the snakes will show."
Jay-Z, "Blueprint 2"
Which grass do you think he's referring to?

"Free your mind and your ass will follow."
Funkadelic, "Good Thoughts, Bad Thoughts"
What the hell does this mean? What were they smokin' to come up with that?

"You can't change a turd into gold."
Ramones, "Eat that Rat"
Hmm, very reminiscent of my husband's, "If it looks like a pig, call it a pig."

"An honest man's pillow is his peace of mind."
John Mellencamp, "Minutes to Memories"
So true! Sing it, Cougar.

"Bury the hatchet, but leave the handle stickin' out."
Garth Brooks, We Bury the Hatchet"
Not really a country music fan, but I can totally relate to this lyric.

"The ones that you're calling wild are going to be the leaders in a little while."
Johnny Cash, "What is Truth"
Could you scare me a little more, Johnny? I think not.

"It's hard to remember we're alive for the last time."
Modest Mouse, "Lives"
This is something that the gang from That 70s Show would have sat around the table discussing after smoking some weed.
Fez: Who you calling "alive"? Who has some candy?
Michael: Wow, so we were alive before? Heh, heh.
Steven: Smacks Michael.
Jackie: Michael! Would you have loved me even more if you knew this was the last time we were going to be alive? I know you would have. Donna, probably no one ever loved you in another life as much as Michael loves me in this one.
Donna to Jackie: Did you just say something? Your mouth was moving but I was so distracted by that one curly chin hair you have I didn't hear a word you said.

"Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans."
John Lennon, "Beautiful Boy (Darling Boy)"

Blogging Buddy

What a weekend!

I met a blogging buddy in real life, how cool is that? You probably already read her blog as she is very popular...I met Carmen of "Gone to Plaid" and her delightful feline "Pooh." Both were utterly charming and Carmen is a tiny little thing; her pictures don't do her justice. Be sure to go over to Carmen's as she posted some great pics of Pooh playing with the catnip mouse I brought him.

Carmen and I put these really cool decals on a wall in her house. They look just like painted stencils so people will think you spent hours on them. We had a great lunch at an outdoor shopping mall--good people watching, and did a little a shopping.

So, once again my husband was wrong since Carmen turned out to be neither an axe murderer or man masquerading as a woman.

Has anyone else met a blogging friend?

Thursday, March 22, 2007

Dropping Albums and Acid

OK! I think we are all done with whore-to-go outfits and boob glitter. Such fun while it lasted.

Richmond, VA (where I live) pretty much shut down yesterday as homeboy and former American Idol contestant Elliot Yamin was in town for his album dropping. (dropping = me using hep language.)

Dude has got hair out to HERE! Oh, you can't see my hands. Trust me, he's got the big white boy 'fro working. And AGAIN with the 10-year-old girls crying!! WTF people. This has seriously got to stop as it has rocketed into the top 5 on my Annoyance Scale.

I mean, I can totally understand all the girls crying and carrying on in the '60s with the Beatles and the Monkees as those groups were 1) Actually good, and 2) Everybody was dropping acid. So in actuality, all the crying and carrying on was due to some major hallucinatory tripping.

Remember all the psychedelic colors in the '60s and '70s? All a result of clothing designers trying to visualize their hallucinations via clothes. There are probably several books and scholarly articles on this very phenomenon, but I don't have time to research it for you today. I'll get back to you.

One more thing, do you think it's a coinkydinky that albums and acid are both "dropped"? Just sayin'.

Annoyance Scale (Subject to change daily)
  1. Asshat drivers. Especially minivan drivers on cell phones--you so know who you are.
  2. 10-year-old girls who cry for no reason, i.e., because bad singers who are so cute will never make their fantasies come true.
  3. My husband not being able to master cleaning the kitchen counters. How hard is it? We have a rule, I make the dinner, you clean the counters. The world will explode if you keep failing to clean the fucking counters.
  4. Anna Nicole, Howard K., Larry, Dannielynn, and assorted alleged fathers of Dannielynn--enough already!
  5. Flaky, pie-crusty friends.
  6. Tell me yours.

Update: Whore-to-Go

Sadly, I must report losing out on a gorgeous "whore-to-go" outfit up for sale on Ebay by a former Dancing With the Stars contestant. I think it was one of Lisa Rinna's which 1) Wouldn't have covered even one of my butt cheeks, and 2) It was probably covered in self-tanner that she sweated off while dancing.

Not sure who outbid me...I think it was a guy named "Tony" from New Jersey.

Anyway, my husband will have to make do with the "Boobs-A-Shimmer" glitter I'm going to purchase from the local CVS drugstore and my own lingerie.

I was very perplexed this morning to find an article about American Idol contestant Chris Richardson almost being voted off last night in the "World News" section of the Richmond Times Dispatch. Granted, he is from VA (Chesapeake) but there were no coups in some foreign country to report? I would have even considered news of Madonna adopting another child in an attempt to keep up with Angelina Jolie world-section worthy.

Anyway, I am happy he was not voted off. Disgusted Sanjaya and his hair were not even in the bottom three. Amused that AI showed the ridiculous 10-year-old girl making a complete spectacle of herself actually crying over his performance the night before. Seriously, that is why he is still on the show...10-year-old girls uniting everywhere to vote for him so they can continue their fantasy of him miracuously showing up at their house and asking them to run away with him. (Hey, clearly I did my share of Harlequin romance reading in my early years.)

Good Day. I said, Good Day.

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Fire! And more Whore-to-Go!

Oh, the injustice!

Very first time using my new fire-engine red potholders last night and I managed to set them aflame. While they were on my hands. I watched as the flames licked happily along edges, growing ever larger and wondered, “Huh, why aren’t these suckers (OK, I might have thought ‘&uckers’) flame retardant?”

‘Cause really? Asshat potholder makers everywhere, wouldn’t that be the MOST important factor in constructing a piece of material that is going to be in close contact with extreme heat? I’m just sayin’.

I barely grazed the broiler coil with them as I tried to get my fish out (sea bass in coconut milk with diced tomatoes and adobo seasoning) and they immediately burst into flame. So entertaining, I couldn’t look away! Until I began to feel the heat on my skin and the fire alarm went off. My husband barely looked up from his laptop as the fire alarm going off is a weekly occurrence at our house. What? I can cook, I just like doing so at high temperatures which seem to set off the alarm for no damn reason apparent to moi.

Anyway, no time to talk today! Very busy! Must go search ebay (Thanks Tim, brilliant idea) for “whore-to-go” outfits so I too can look like a cheap strumpet on Dancing With the Stars (see yesterday's post). Now, if only I could dance…hmm, I don’t think my husband will be too concerned with that part.

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Dancing With the Ding Dongs

Not sure if you're aboard the trainwreck that is "Dancing With the Stars," but I simply cannot look away no matter how much my husband complains--loudly and bitterly--about being forced to watch the show.

I really have no sympathy for him, seeing how little some of the ladies wear to dance on that show. And indeed, he did have to make the obligatory smary comment about why don't I wear an outfit like that. When I informed him that they cost thousands of dollars his brilliant reply was to just get one without all the sequins. Yep, sure, that's what I'm going to do for you, honey, I'll just zip in to Target tomorrow and pick up one whore-to-go outfit.

Anyway, just had to mention two of the best one-liners that I've heard in a while. The Italian judge Bruno cracks me up every show with his outrageous accent and affect. He was in fine form last night, telling still stunning supermodel Paulina Portapotty, "You are dinner, lunch, AND breakfast at Tiffany's!" Get it? Really, I thought that was quite clever.

But my favorite came from former NBA star, 6'7" Clyde "The Glide" Drexler, who referred to the height difference between himself and his 5'4" co-star like this: "If the moves are tight, you won't notice the height." Come on, that's smoooooooooth!

What was with Ian Zeiring's intro bit? You know, with the self-important posing by his supposed to impress the little people convertible? I hope he was trying to be self-deprecating. But, probably not when he actually had the balls to say, "I'm probably best known for 90210." Huh, ya think? 'Cause if you've done anything else since then, America has missed it. I thought he danced well, though.

I also like Apolo Anton Ohno. 1) Because dang, that is one cool ass name and, 2) I saw him win gold medals in the past 2 winter olympics--very impressive.

Am I the only one that thought former beauty pageant winner Shandi Poo was a little too full of herself? I liked when judge Bruno called her on the fake smiling throughout the entire routine, to which she continued to fake smile at him.

Who do you like?

Monday, March 19, 2007

Flaky Friends

Gah! Please tell me I am not the only one with flaky friends!

I'm thinking "flaky" is the correct spelling, not "flakey" because they aren't a piecrust, right?

I think I am a pretty kickass friend; I'm loyal to the core. If I say I'm going to do something, be somewhere, whack someone for ya, I WILL. So how is it that one of my best friends is a big non-committer?

Says she'll come for the weekend and then cancels, somehow forgetting she has invited a bunch of people over to her house for a barbecue that weekend. See, I don't get how that can happen, especially if you own a calendar. Of course, I am a tad anal and would already have the menu planned at that point.

Yet, when she suggests the following weekend I just nod dumbly. I feel like I'm a big, goofy labrador retriever and she's the pretty, prissy poodle. Everything is fine with a lab! You want to go on a walk? Yes, so do they! You want to plant flowers? Why, they were just going to suggest a roll in the grass outside! You want a snack? It's always their favorite time to eat!

Hmm, OK perhaps I got a smidge off track there; comparing my friend to a poodle, but I don't think I did well with metaphors in English class.

Which reminds me of high school--did you know they still sell those Biore nose strips that are supposed to pull out all the blackheads on your nose? Crazy! Let me tell ya, they also rip off some skin. I guess that's the "exfoliating" part. I just like looking at the strip afterward for evidence that the icky gunk that was in my skin is now out. Who can resist looking? Anyway, save your money, my icky gunk is still on my nose.

Thursday, March 15, 2007

The Big Kiss Off

Husband and I are planning a vacation and I couldn't be happier.

1) Because we haven't been on a non-work vacation in a few years, and 2) We're going the Friday before Thanksgiving and returning the Friday after.

Yep, we'll be missing Thanksgiving with his parents. Do you see me crying? AND, the best part is that it was entirely my husband's idea to go at that time of the year. I had nothing to do with it, not that I'm complaining, but I'm sure my mother-in-law will think it's all part of my nefarious plan to turn her son against her.

Normally, we wouldn't dream of blowing off a family-required holiday in favor of a family-free vacation (OK, I would and do fantasize about it, but wouldn't cause problems by actually doing it), but because we now live so close to my inlaws we feel we can justify being gone on a holiday. Because we'll just see them the following weekend! It's genius, really.

I'm just curious--has anyone else taking off on their own instead of spending the holiday with family? Maybe it's a little different since we don't have kids. We alternate spending Thanksgiving and Christmas each year with each family, i.e., this year it's Thanksgiving with the inlaws and Christmas with my family, and then next year we switch families.

Does anyone else do that? How do you handle juggling holidays? Oh, and we're going to St. Kitts, has anyone been there?

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Here's Your Sign

Sigh

Some days you can just predict how the day will go. Like when you take your dog for his morning walk, squat down to retrieve his poo like the good citizen that you are, and find your poo bag has a huge hole in it.

Major malaise lately...maybe it's just that I'm sick of hearing about Anna Nicole, Britney Spears, and American Idol when our soldiers are trying to heal in disgusting, mold-covered rooms at Walter Reed Hospital. Are we letting them down or what? Unbelievable.

I did get a laugh when it came out that pompous blowhard Newt Gingrinch admitted to an extramarital affair while he was leading the impeachment charge against President Clinton for having sex with "that woman" in the Oval Office and lying about it. But of course, he's the much better man because he didn't lie to the American people about his nookie. Really? I consider the sin of omission a lie, asshat.

Anyway, what's your sign that your day is going down the crapper?

Monday, March 12, 2007

My Love Affair with Stupid People

Gah, save me from stupid people. No wait, then I'd have nothing to talk about. I heart you stupid people everywhere!

OK, how about the gambling site that is taking bets on whether Heather Mills’ artificial leg will fall off during her upcoming appearance on “Dancing with the Stars.” Come on, that's a little bit funny. Everyone is thinking about it since they first announced she would be on the show; these clowns are just the first enterprising ones to cash in on the possible flying limbage.

Did you hear about the ding dong in Connecticut who thinks ski masks have gotten a bad rap? You know, what with the bank robberies, hold ups, and other assorted mayhem they're usually worn for pulling off. So this asshat, Kevin Lambert, and his "friends" (I bet he pays them) have been wearing ski maks in public places in an attempt to dispel the bad stereotype associated with them. Hmm, methinks there is a bad stereotype associated with them for a reason, but hey, what do I, an ordinary, harmless, law-abiding citizen know?

He got this lightbulb idea back in 2005 when he put on a ski mask after exiting a store for an impromptu photograph. Wha?? Who does that? Then, oh gee what a surprise, a passer-by saw him in the mask and called police, fearing Kevin had just robbed the store. Doofus Mask Boy was charged with breach of peace and had to perform 15 hours of community service. Yet he still goes around donning the ski mask on occasion just to prove, oh I don't know what, that nice guys DO wear masks?

I'm sure some of you read about the housecat that went on a rampage and attacked its owner so severely she was hospitalized with over 20 serious puncture wounds. You thought of me, didn't you? After my post about my own charming little furballs. They did manage to make it through the weekend alive as they haven't destroyed anything else--yet. I'll let ya know.

I got a hoot from reading about "Gustav" the ostrich in Berlin. Gustav's owner is suing 3 teenagers, alleging the firecrackers they set off near his farm scared Gustav so badly that he can no longer perform his, ahem, breeding duties shall we say. The farmer wants over $6K in damages, claiming he lost out on 14 ostrich offspring. Hmm, maybe if he put a mask on Gustav the female ostrichs would find him sexy and mysterious he would overcome his inhibitions. I just love the ostrich's name, Gustav. How cool is that? You just had to know that an ostrich named Gustav would be tempermental and flighty.

Friday, March 09, 2007

Spawns of Satan

If cats were spiders, I'd be getting out my can of industrial strength Raid.

I've truly had it with my two, who have never met a table they didn't scratch, a breakable they didn't break, or oh, I don't know, a Christmas fucking tree they didn't knock over. I awoke this morning, at 5 a.m. let me add, to the sound of vacuuming.

Of course the good one (that would be the dog) was fast asleep on his bed, snoring gently, paws twitching as he dreamed his sweet, innocent doggy dreams of chasing squirrels and breaking nothing.

When I went downstairs, I found my very irritated husband cleaning up broken glass and water. I had set a vase out yesterday of cuttings from a plant I wanted to root and re-pot. "Oh, something new!" said the evil kitties. "Cool, let's knock it over!" And so they did, in the middle of the night when no one was looking because that's what sneaky little bastards do.

Don't call the ASPCA on me, I'm not going to drown them or anything but I have to say, the desire is strong. Especially since they are only 9. However, they are both very fat so I figure that ought to shorten their life span a little.

Note to self: Buy the high fat cat food.

P.S. I just dropped beau coup bucks on some face cream guaran-damn-teed to spackle every wrinkle, "literally pushing the skin outward and flattening wrinkles...and improving the skin's matrix." Whatever the hell that is, but hey, I put it on the cats' credit card.

Thursday, March 08, 2007

Limericks!

Usually I'm not a joke poster, but it is March after all (beware the Ides of Mrach!) and these limericks were quite clever I thought.

The Washington Post runs a weekly contest in its Style section called the "Style Invitational."
The requirements last week were to use the two words "Lewinsky" (The Intern) and "Kaczynski" (the Unabomber) in the same limerick. The following winning entries were printed. In The Paper.

Third place:

There once was a girl named Lewinsky,
Who played on a flute like Stravinsky.
'Twas "Hail to the Chief"
On this flute made of beef
That stole the front page from Kaczynski.

Second place:

Said Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky,
"We don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski.
Since you made such a mess,
Use the hem of your dress;
And please wipe that stuff off your chinsky."

And the winning entry:

Lewinsky and Clinton have shown
What Kaczynski must surely have known:
That an intern is better
Than a bomb in a letter
When deciding how best to be blown

Saturday, March 03, 2007

Happily Never After

Ah love, sweet love. Until it's not. Then it's nasty, hateful, "how could I have ever loved such as &^%$ing loser" love. And that's when it gets downright entertaining for us onlooker types. So, I bring you the latest in "infotainment." (Thanks to friend Ps for coining this delightful word!)

I am thrilled to inform you that this drama happened right here in my little 'ol town just this week! See, once upon a time a boy and girl met and fell in love. All was good, all was hot and steamy. Boy liked the steamy stuff so much that he secretly videotaped he and his lady love doing the McNasty. No harm, no foul, she would never know.

Until the time when the boy and girl broke up and all was not good. Boy was pissed; he plotted, he schemed. (And for unknown reasons waited a year to put his nefarious plan into action. All the better to surprise girl perhaps?)

One gloriously blue-skyed cloudless Spring day, hapless people everywhere exited various retail establishments in Redneckville and found presents on their cars. "Hey, a free DVD! Someone must really like, hey, wait a minute...why is someone giving me a porn video? Gosh, this looks homemade but if she's giving it away I might be interested. And what's this? Oh, here's her name, phone number, and address right on the DVD. How convenient!"

So when girl started getting all sorts of lewd phone calls, and two especially enterprising young studs showed up at her door ready for action, she didn't know what to think. Until police investigators showed up at her door with a DVD for her to view. And while it was very, ahem, awkward to view said DVD in the presence of others, she gamely watched and verified it was she, although certainly it was taped without her permission.

Now boy sits alone in a cold jail cell, charged with 3 misdemeanors and a felony for knowingly producing an "obscene exhibition."

The moral of the story: Find a less dramatic--and legal--method of letting your ex know you hate her guts.

The End.