Thursday, May 17, 2007

Sweden Part I: Boob Tape Debacle

Double-sided boob sticky tape, AWOL ambassador, and lecherous Norweigans...Oh My! (chanted to "Lions, tigers, and bears...Oh My!" in your best Dorothy from Wizard of the Oz voice)

Hmm, where to start? This might be a two-parter, people.

First off, when I purchased my cocktail dress for this shindig, I tried it on in two different sizes, let's just refer to them as "A" and "B" since numbers are so mentally damaging m'kay? Both sizes fit, but in the end, I decided the smaller size was a little too tight under the arms and the wrap style halter top had too little material in the boob area. I bought the larger size along with some industrial strength double-sided tape specifically intended to keep clothes attached to skin. (They don't tell you that your skin also comes off along with the tape at the end of the night, but we can save that for Part II.)

Well, when I went to put on the dress last night, lo and behold, I had actually purchased the smaller size, not the larger one as I intended. F&^k and many such accompanying words ensued. Husband stood nervously by, "Uh, it looks fine to me." Really? Really a&^hole because it's so NOT! How is it that men always know the exact wrong thing to say at the exact wrong moment? Really, it must be an inbred gift or something.

I had no other cocktail dresses just sitting around in my closet (imagine!) so I was stuck. I grabbed the boob tape and we got in the car. No problem, I figured, I had a good 2 1/2 hours of drive time to both swear at my husband AND strategically tape the dress to avoid serving my boobs for dinner.

Ha! This tape is not that easy to use, people! Why didn't someone tell me? Like the sales lady that sold it to me with a smile while saying, "This is our most popular brand." Really? Really b*&ch because it's so not working! At least half the roll ended up in little sticky balls all over the car before I successfully removed the "Easy to remove backing" from one piece.

Oh, another little tip. Even though it says "safe for all clothes" that actually does not include silk. The dress is now ruined, not that I could wear it again as it became tighter and tighter under my arms as the night dragged on and I wanted nothing more than to cut it up into little tiny pieces and burn them while doing tequila shooters.

So, needless to say, I needed the full 2 1/2 hours to do the tapeage. We arrive, only to be informed that his Excellency the Ambassador was called away at the last minute to a meeting in CA with Governor Schwarzenegger. Wha?

Yep. So instead our host was his second in command, the Deputy Ambassador of Sweden (not exactly sure if that's her title, I wasn't paying attention as I really needed to pee. 2 1/2 drive! Plus, had to check the tape was still holding!) And, it was a woman as Sweden is very forward in their Women's Movement she said. Cool, where's the restroom?

We were herded outside for cocktails. Great, I spent a frickin' hour blow drying and curling the mane and it had just rained so the humidity was around 90%. GAH. But hey, I did get to see the tennis court that George Bush the elder played on with the former ambassador. Truly worth ruining good hair, right?

OK, this is getting long and boring...Part deux another time which will feature the lecherous Norweigan guy who was my dinner companion. ACK

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